My Tinder Experience is about as Genuine as I Expected
by SeconDreams
Summary: Hikigaya Hachiman makes a Tinder Account.
1. The Beginning of the End

The boring day was coming to an end. Finally, I can evict myself from the chains of society for the next 18 hours before I have to drag myself back in here for my government sanctioned education. I packed my defenses - a nice thick book I pretended to be absorbed in to avoid the people around me, when a certain idiot screamed from across the classroom, "Ehhhh! This is sooo cool, I'm no longer Hikitani-level!"

I can hear you, you annoying loudmouth. And who the hell is Hikitani?!

"Hayama, what should I do? Say hi? Maybe something smooth, like a pick up line?" Tobe continued.

"Just be yourself, no harm trying." Hayama replied smoothly, the perfect response to a hopeless romantic.

"You're no help at all!" Tobe wailed in response as he furiously typed into his phone. "Hello - how - are - you - today?"

No need to hear any more, he's not getting a reply. Not from that opening. Picking up my bag, I left the classroom and made my way towards the clubroom. The sun felt a little colder than usual today, even though it was nearing summer already. Truth be told, however, I already knew why.

First contact is always the easiest. It's hard to say no, after all. It's the wait that was excruciating. The slim hope for a reply that may or may not come, with every second passing by as slowly and as unlikely as a sloth contemplating reaching for another branch. Hope is paralyzing. It's why I've taken the logical path and abandoned it.

Chatting with girls isn't about being yourself, it's an art form. Like how a chef knows the exact amount of salt with a single glance, or how a painter can mix the perfect color to finish a portrait, talking to girls require an innate understanding of the universe before one can effectively communicate with them. Beings like Hayato Hayama simply do not comprehend our suffering at all.

I shuddered - I just equated myself with Tobe. Shaking away the nauseating feeling, I entered the clubroom of the Service Club, whose founding member was quietly reading a room in her usual spot, the sun enveloping her with an angelic glow. Yukinoshita Yukino turned her head, and in the most un-angelic voice imaginable, uttered, "Oh, it's you."

"Hello to you too." I replied, and took my place on the opposite end of the table. Of course, the usual rules of talking to girls don't apply here. All traces of the angelic glow has vanished, revealing the icicles that previously reflected the lights underneath. This would be the beautiful frozen queen herself, in her true form. I pulled out my book and continued reading as she returned to hers, our usual routine. Ten minutes passed without incident when…

"Yahallo~!" Yuigahama hollered as she came barging in, her silly greeting rousing me from my book. To my surprise, she wasn't alone. Following right behind her was one of our previous customers, the wannabe casanova himself, Tobe.

Tobe and Yuigahama began speaking excitedly, and although my brain registered their words and gestures, I was unable to process it. Tobe received a reply. Nothing made sense anymore.

* * *

As it turns out, my understanding of Tinder was wrong after all. It seems you don't just randomly match with people, the other party has to "swipe right" on your profile as well before you began messaging each other, according to Yuigahama as she explained Tinder to me and Yukinoshita.

In short, some fool decided Tobe was a good match after a look at his profile.

"So… you came to us to help you formulate a reply to this person?" Yukino summarised as she distributed the tea, my Pan-san cup finally arriving at its destination.

"Yup! Hayato is no help, and Yumiko isn't even looking my way! You guys are all I've got!" Tobe replied, his voice optimistically cheerful.

The last time we helped... well you're still single…. Nevermind that, Yukinoshita, for whatever reason, looked interested.

"Tinder? It's… a dating app?" Yukino asked in amazement. She has obviously never heard of it until about five minutes ago. "So you just put yourself out in the internet and hope someone ends up liking you?"

Yuigahama nodded and held out the phone, where there was only one match on display, someone called Chika. It was oddly familiar, for some reason, but before I could look into it, Yukinoshita began shedding tears.

"Hikigaya-kun, someone really is looking out for you." Yukino replied in a joyous tone as she looked over at me, her crocodile tears starting to get on my nerves. I chose to ignore her as I took a sip of tea. It was bitter, just like my memories.

"Show them the conversation!" Yuigahama said excitedly, obviously very eager to take on the case. Yukinoshita took over Tobe's phone as I walked over and read the conversation:

"Hello, how are you today"

"Great! =D"

"Amazing… Hikigaya-kun, I-" Yukinoshita started, but I quickly cut her off. "Can we not focus on me here? Tobe's friend is expecting a reply, and it's not nice to keep a lady waiting."

I didn't want to hear whatever she was about to throw at me. Instead, I looked through Chika's profile. She looked vaguely familiar for some reason, and then it hit me when a picture of her in her uniform came up.

"Yeah! This is going to be great!" Yuigahama chimed in, her eyes positively glowing. "I bet we can help Tobechi secure a date!"

"A date? You really think so? Heh…" Tobe laughed nervously, running his hand through his hair.

"So you just want us to help you with a reply, right?" I injected, setting my tea aside.

"Hikki…" Yuigahama started to speak, but was unable to continue. Sensing her hesitation, Yukinoshita continued for her, "Hikigaya-kun, I believe Tobe-kun here is hoping for a decent conversation, which requires both parties to communicate together."

"Wait, what is that supposed to mean?!" I protested.

"Hikki, maybe you want to sit this one out, you know? After all, this is girl talk." Yuigahama offered, obviously taking Yukinoshita's side on this.

"Alright, you two make it sound like talking to girls is so hard." I conceded, returning to my book.

"Oh?" Yukinoshita replied, an annoying smirk on her face growing larger by the minute. "Perhaps we've underestimated you, Hikigaya-kun."

From her bag, she withdrew a small notepad. Tobe, who was remaining uncharacteristically quiet the whole time, watched in fascination as Yukinoshita tore apart 4 identical sheets and handed one to each of us. She then placed the phone with the conversation in the middle of the table.

"We all have 3 minutes to come up with an adequate response. We can vote on it, but ultimately Tobe-kun will decide on the best response." Yukinoshita announced in a businesslike tone, although the look in her eyes as she stared me down betrayed her.

"3 minutes?!" Yuigahama and Tobe echoed in unison before frantically searching for a pen. Yukinoshita simply returned to her seat, and after a short moment of contemplation, began drafting her reply.

Me, well I just leaned over to the phone. The conversation sat there, its content as clear and as innocent as far as one can tell. The ideal response? Easy, I thought as I reached for my bag for a pen.

Beside me, Yuigahama stared at the screen as a million, probably idiotic, thoughts ran through her mind. At a loss, are we? Well, you're no better than Tobe, who was pulling at his hair in frustration, having crossed off several possibilities already. Yukinoshita, however, seemed at ease as she penned her reply, clearly at an advantage here.

"Time's up." Yukinoshita announced as Yuigahama barely managed to finish her reply. Smirking as she gathered the responses, Yukinoshita laid them out neatly in front of the phone. I nearly burst out laughing. The four responses couldn't have been more varied.

The most prominent would be Tobe's, which was covered in crosses and hastily scribbled responses. He settled for a simple "Me too!"

Way to kill the conversation there, man. You'll never recover from that awkwardness. With that, Tobe was out.

Next to his was Yuigahama's, which simply read, "Oh, aren't you tired?"

I couldn't help but marvel at Yuigahama's thinking. Apparently, neither could Yukinoshita, who was did not seem to realise the nature of the line. In fact, she looked perplexed as she constantly checked back to the phone's conversation log, trying to decipher the message.

"Yuigahama-san, what is this supposed to mean?" She finally inquired, gesturing towards the cryptic message. "Why would she be tired?"

"Eh, well…" Yuigahama nervously responded. As I started wondering about how Yuigahama was going to explain the concept of pick up lines to Yukinoshita, Tobe started cracking up. "Oh, that's a good one! I wish I thought of that!"

"Thought of what?" Yukinoshita asked again, still completely clueless. Yuigahama seemed to be backing away, desperately trying to avoid answering the question. Clearly she wasn't expecting to have to explain the concept of a pick up line. As she slowly tried to back away, she started glancing about the room, possibly looking for a quick escape. Watching her back away was getting annoying, so I decided to explain it to her to hurry up and close this case.

"Yukinoshita, aren't you tired?" I asked out loud, before my mind caught up to my mouth.

"No, why?" She replied, attention focused completely on me now that someone was willing to explain it to her. Only then did I realise my folly, cursing my chivalrous ego that I had failed to reign in.

I opened my mouth to take a deep breath as Tobe started sniggering. What's done is done, now to get it over with.

I gave the room a quick glance, making sure there wasn't an annoying Kouhai who would appear randomly and at the most inopportune time. I caught a glimpse of Yuigahama, who looked equal parts relieved and equal parts conflicted, although I could be mistaken. Then I can delay it no longer.

"Because you've been running through my mind all day." I replied to Yukinoshita in as flat a tone as I could possibly muster.

Time seemed to slow down as she processed the newly acquired information, breaking down the sentence into words, then the words into meaning, before adding in the context and finally decrypting it to form a coherent thought.

At the same time, several thoughts raced through my mind.

 _It's just an example..._

Yukinoshita's stoic expression began to falter as her eyes widened in shock, finally grasping the meaning of my words.

 _Those words aren't mine - they were Yuigahama's!_

Her eyes began darting around the room as her face started to flush.

 _The first time I've ever used a pick up line..._

The Ice Queen began melting before our very eyes as her cheeks started glowing visibly.

 _And I had to use it on her...This is all wrong... Someone kill me..._

She tried to speak, but her throat failed her as she bowed her head, starting to shake visibly.

 _My Youth Romantic Comedy is Wrong, as I Expected..._


	2. Preparations

"Hikitani-kun! It worked! You're the best!" Tobe yelled from across the room. I had just entered the classroom and was about to resign myself to using my signature vanishing act when Tobe pulled of an even greater trick and managed to get the entire class to stare at me.

The incessant whispering suddenly turned ominous as the class began their rumours. I've been there before, so no thank you to that. I put my foot down. Or rather, I simply waved it off. Playing it cool, no big deal. I think pulled it off rather well, too. The whispers started dying down, perhaps they just thought I pointed him to a functioning toilet or something. Disaster averted, I took my seat and began preparing my defences when-

"I'm counting on you again later man! You da best!" Tobe called out as something inside me broke, my cool facade giving way to despair as I hung my head and willed myself to die. The whispering return, this time in an ominous chant that sounded suspiciously Latin, and more than once I heard my name…

"Hachiman?" The voice of an angel called out… Perhaps my wish really came true, perhaps I am to be whisked off to heaven right here and now, guided by an angel with the most captivating voice.

"Harrr - chee - mannn?" came the voice again, dragging out every syllable as if singing my praises before the pearly gates. I would be content to leave this cruel world in the presence of such an angelic being… just one look before my soul leaves the mortal realm!

I looked up to see a beautiful angel before me. Strange, this angel wasn't dressed in a toga, lyre and halo, but instead decked out in casual sports attire.

"Hachiman, what'd you do? I've never seen Tobe-kun so excited in my life!" The angel inquired of me.

My vision cleared as the beautiful angel took on the form of the equally, if not more, beautiful Totsuka Saika. His angelic smile lifted my mood immediately - I still have a reason to live!

"I dunno, probably that request from yesterday." I replied, the events of yesterday coming back to me.

* * *

It took Yukinoshita a while before she recovered enough to regain her composure. She was still a little pink as she immediately disqualified Yuigahama's suggestion of a pick up line.

"No- no girl would want to receive something as disgusting and vile as _that_ " She stammered as she struggled to crush the paper with Yuigahama's pick up line with her trembling hands. So, she's weak to pick up lines, huh?

Next up was Yukinoshita's idea of a response, which Yuigahama summed up succinctly with a simple "why are you sending her Tobe's resume?"

Yukinoshita had decided to send her a comprehensive list including: Tobe's name, family name, hobbies, and achievements. The list of achievements was disappointingly short, but otherwise…

"Yukinon, this isn't how you use Tinder." Yuigahama said as she shook her head, dismayed at her friend. Turns out she had high expectations of her as well.

"But, isn't this the entire point of the app? Wouldn't this be the most effective way to elicit interest?" Yukinoshita replied, confused. I could not help but wonder if she was thinking of a matchmaking service instead of what Tinder actually was… namely a platform to try out different pick up lines, more or less.

"Yukinon, how would you react if you got one of these as a reply?" Yuigahama asked. Now hang on, this is Yukinoshita we're talking about…

"I'd read it carefully and use it along with my personal judgement of him to assess his character based on merit and observation, so it would be rather useful." Yukinoshita replied without hesitation. Yuigahama was stunned into silence, clearly anguished over the absurdity of her statement, yet being unable to refute the logic behind it. She decided to drop it and looked over to my paper, which was the last to be assessed.

"Hey, isn't that the uniform of Kaihin Sougou?" That was my response. The room was quiet for a bit as they mulled over my response.

"It's a bit… generic… but..." Yuigahama muttered, her voice sounding defeated, even disappointed.

"It's… genius!" Tobe came singing my praises.

"Such a simple move, yet carries so much nuance…" Yukinoshita murmured, impressed. "Hikigaya-kun, I may have severely underestimated you."

"I think it's settled then! Thanks, you guys rock!" Tobe announced as he swept up his phone and eagerly typed out my response in. With that, we decided to call it a day and returned home.

* * *

"Nope, can't think of anything." I said to Totsuka, who pouted in response. I saved the screenshot and backed up the data 6 times in my mind before setting it as my screensaver, wallpaper and lock screen. Then class started and the angel returned to his seat.

Fast forward a few hours, and I found myself walking to the clubroom as usual. Or rather, that was supposed to be the plan, except I was ambushed by Tobe the moment class ended and wound up being escorted there by him. All while being showered in praises by the man who came to us looking for help with messaging a girl. This day couldn't get any weirder.

Yukinoshita was already pouring out the tea when we arrived, with Yuigahama following behind closely. Tobe was giving me a really unnecessary rundown of yesterday's conversation with his match when Yukinoshita of all people asked him for a summary.

To our surprise, Tobe revealed that he was about to meet her for lunch, and was just dropping by to show his gratitude as well as to report on his conversations. Right after he left, Yukinoshita sighed as she returned to her book.

"I'm glad that was over." She said as she reached for her cup.

"Yeah, you wouldn't have been able to help much anyway." I replied without thinking as I took a sip of refreshing tea. When I set my cup down, I realised Yukinoshita's hand was frozen in mid air.

"Hikigaya-kun… what is that supposed to mean?" She whispered, withdrawing her hand away from the cup and closing her book to stare at me.

"If he got stuck again, odds are either me or Yuigahama would have to come up with something." I replied, closing my book as well to return her glare. If I were to focus just a little harder, I would probably start firing a concentrated energy beam from my eyes to rival the energy emanating from hers. Caught in the middle of the crossfire, Yuigahama sensed the the impending disaster and hesitantly attempted to diffuse the situation.

"Yukinon, not that you won't be able to help, but Hikki did come up with the best answer yesterday-" Yuigahama said, but was cut off by the Ice Queen before she should finish. "It is true, but I cannot discount the possibility that it was a once in a lifetime fluke, like how he managed to get into high school to begin with."

"You can call it a fluke all you like, results are results." I replied in the most smug tone possible. "I recommend working on your answer before you attempt to fix mine."

"Since you're so good, care to put your money where your mouth is?" Yukinoshita replied, a smile forming on her lips as well.

At that moment, every sense I possessed, including my renowned sixth sense of ultimate self-preservation flared up. In Psychology, this is commonly known as the Fight-or-Flight response, and everything was screaming at me to put as many units of measurements as humanly possible between me and the Ice Queen. Nevertheless, I stood my ground.

"Now, isn't this unfair? It's obviously harder for guys to get matches than girls, and-" I stammered, only to be cut off.

"Oh, I'm not making an account, you are. We'll all take turns talking to girls." Yukinoshita announced as she laid down the rules. Hold on a moment there...

"How will we decide who wins?" Yuigahama asked, her face troubled as she shot me a glance. This wasn't my fault, I haven't agreed to this...

"What constitutes a victory in Tinder?" Yukinoshita asked. "Simply receiving a reply is far too low a bar to set, and forcing Hikigaya-kun here to do real human interaction would be far too much to ask for, and that's assuming anyone out there is foolish enough to actually give him a chance."

"Oi, I'm right here. First, why my account? Second, how are we supposed to share an account?" I replied, finally managing to get a word in. "Lastly, what makes you think I am alright with this to begin with?"

"Backing away now? So you are incapable of living up to your word, I see." Yukinoshita replied, her condescending voice echoing in the room. "No matter, I never expected much from you anyway."

At that moment, against my better judgement, against everything I've stood for since middle school, and against any semblance of common sense, I shifted my gears from "Flight" to "Fight", and agreed to her terms.

I cannot explain my actions that day, because I was not thinking of the short-term or the long-term implications this would have had on my life. I did not particularly care for the inevitable hit to my reputation, not that it would have mattered anyway.

No, the only thing I wanted right there and then was to wipe that smirk off her face and have her admit defeat.

For that moment, the only thing I wanted was the sweet taste of victory over Yukinoshita Yukino.

* * *

They often say the first step is always the hardest. I disagree, the hardest step is always the second step, namely blindly committing to something, only to look up and then realise the sheer scale of whatever you have undertaken because you did not quite think this through.

Downloading Tinder was easy, but the trouble came when I was attempting to create an account. See, I was prepared to make an account and everything, but Tinder requires something of mine I disavowed years ago. A monument to all my sins from a life long past.

 **Facebook.**

"Hikki, do you have a Facebook account?" Yuigahama asked as she peered over to at screen at the log in screen and recognised the familiar blue log in screen. Subconsciously, she began keying my name into her phone. I saw my name autofill in the search bar - so she had done a search for me before and came up blank. That's a relief... although this presents a bigger problem.

My account has been deactivated for so long, because I had resolved to bury it and never return. However, since it was tied to my phone number...

"Yeah, but I deactivated it years ago. I think I have to reactivate it later at home." I replied, hoping it was enough to convince them to give me a day to properly dispose of the evidence. Why did I never outright delete my account I will never know, possibly some optimistic aspect of the younger, naive me that I had failed to fully quash back then. Thankfully, they bought it, and instead decided to spend the rest of the day laying out the rules of the challenge. It was decreed that this would count towards the ongoing challenge set by Hiratsuka-sensei. The rules are as follows:

 **1)** Yuigahama, myself and Yukinoshita will take turns speaking to whoever wound up getting matched with me in that order, determined via a game of rock paper scissors. Whoever got matched with me first would speak only to Yuigahama, second with me and the third with Yukinoshita, with the fourth returning to Yuigahama.

 **2)** Since the account was linked to my phone, whenever I got a match and currently am not in the vicinity of the service club, I was to inform whoever's turn it was and act as a proxy for either Yuigahama or Yukinoshita. It goes without saying that none of us are allowed to mess with the other's conversations.

 **3)** This arrangement will last until each of us has had at least 3 matches each, for a total of 9 matches, or until we all agree that far too long a time has passed without a single match, after which we would have to use another method and use whatever data we've collected to establish a conclusive end to this debate.

 **4)** The profile picture, bio and any other setting will be decided upon tomorrow once I manage to properly get Tinder working. Once decided, the settings can only be changed with a majority vote.

And any other rule we might come up with on the fly.

* * *

Locking the door to my room, I quickly booted up my laptop and reactivated my Facebook account. Immediately the face of Sasuke Uchiha awakening his Sharingan greeted me. Silently cursing my choice of profile pictures back in my middle school days, I quickly deleted it, returning my profile picture to the default generic silhouette. Next, I scanned through my pictures. For whatever reason, I kept on uploading my cosplay habit to Facebook back when I thought it would make me cool. Not only that, there were several edgy pictures too, edgy enough to gut me as I resolved to delete everything once I'm done scouting. Next, I checked my past status updates, and nearly threw up in my own mouth. I stared in horror at the sheer magnitude of insanity I attempted to hide from the public eye - an interest in cosplaying, the Occult and Anime; pictures of me hanging out at conventions decked out in absurdly expensive yet poorly made cosplay outfits and status updates that can only be described as _begging for attention_. This isn't possible, deleting all this isn't enough, I had to nuke it to the ground. My hand still trembling from then shock, I quickly navigated to the options menu where I searched for the 'delete profile' button. I originally thought this account was salvageable, but this... There is no coming back from this. I hit the button without a second thought. Making a new account was the only option left.

I quickly registered a new account for Hikigaya Hachiman as I silently thanked the heavens that neither Yuigahama nor Yukinoshita could have possibly seen my old profile. Next, I sent Yuigahama a friend request, purely because she had access to several pictures of me taken during the various school events that we could use as my new profile picture. She accepted my request within 3 minutes and immediately sent me the pictures, which amounted to over 40 photos, several of which looked pretty decent if I may say so myself. It took me another 10 minutes to apply the finishing touches to my brand new Facebook account. Too much work for something I would never use again, but whatever.

All this was in preparation for tomorrow, when Hikigaya Hachiman makes his Tinder debut. As I collapsed onto my bed, one single thought kept haunting me as I tried to convince myself this was all just an experiment, nothing more. One question I cannot find an answer to.

 _What the hell am I doing with my life?!_


	3. Game Start

When I stepped into class the next day, everyone turned to look at me. That was the first clue that something was wrong. I could have sworn my stealth drive was on, but either it was malfunctioning, or someone had managed to sabotage it. Almost immediately, the culprit spoke up. "Hikitani-kun! Why didn't you tell us you had a Facebook account?"

As it turns out, Yuigahama had tagged me onto the pictures on Facebook yesterday, except that the pictures were all from our class Facebook page where the various pictures taken during the school events were posted to. Not only that, since Yuigahama was currently my only friend on Facebook and tagged me in several class photos, I immediately showed up as a recommended friend for about the entire class.

So much for stealth...The internet is a dangerous place indeed…

Tobe seemed thoughtful for a moment. When his eyes lit up, I knew I had to act quickly, before he exposed my real reason for making a Facebook account. "Yeah, well I thought it was about time I made one, catch up with the times, you know?"

Every word in that statement hurt me physically. None of it was true - I never saw the need for social media, and even if I wanted to catch up on the times I would rather just read the news than make a _Facebook_ account of all things. Social media is the ultimate source of _anything_ but up to date and relevant news. Everything in there is so manufactured and fake, where everyone gladly showcase and proudly display themselves at their best, always posting updates about their happiness as if it is in any way indicative of their actual state of mind.

Thankfully, Tobe accepted my answer without a second thought and returned to his conversation with his friends. I thought I saw Hayama giving me a pointed look, but before I could return the glare his back was already turned towards me as he continued discussing whatever he was talking about. He wasn't the only one - the entire class has returned to its usual state of pre-teacher rowdiness, although I could pick up traces of a rumor starting, rumors that _Hikigaya Hachiman_ now has a _Facebook_ account. Thanks to Yuigahama and Tobe, however, this was more of uninteresting everyday occurrence, like how global warming is accelerating at an unprecedented pace, rather than something legitimately catastrophic like how some celebrities are breaking up over a lover's squabble.

I breathed a little easier as I took my seat, glad to have dodged that bullet for now. Almost immediately Totsuka approached me, a wide smile on his beautiful face as he cheerfully called out, "Hachiman! Have you received my friend request?"

Totsuka's friend request? In one deft movement I straightened my legs so my pants pocket was easily accessible and reached into it to retrieve my phone. Next, with a sleight of hand that would have made street magicians green with envy, I unlocked my phone mid-transit from my pocket to the table and opened Facebook before anyone could see the Tinder icon on my homescreen. The phone landed on the friend requests just as Totsuka arrived at my table. To my surprise, I had several requests pending approval… several might be an understatement, the number was currently at 13. Most were classmates including Tobe, Ebina and even Hayama among others, a couple of middle school acquaintances… and Zaimokuza. I quickly accepted all their requests, not because I was really interested in connecting with people, but because it would seem weird that I was only accepting Totsuka's request.

"This is related to Tobe-kun, isn't it?" Totsuka's voice pulling me back to reality. He's surprisingly perceptive, and I don't think I can weasel my way out of this one. Surprisingly, Yuigahama came to my rescue.

"Yahallo! Hikki, Sai-chan!" She called out as she walked over to my table as she pulled out her phone. "Good morning, Yuigahama-san! I was just talking to Hachiman about his Facebook account, do you know why he made one?" Tosuka replied.

"Yup! We're in the middle of something big! ...Sai-chan, do you think you can drop by the Service Club later? We can't talk about it here." Yuigahama replied, winking as she placed a finger on her lips as I nodded along with her. "Aww, can't you tell me here?" Totsuka pouted in reply, before agreeing to her terms and returning to his seat.

"What the hell was that about?" I hissed as she sat down in the empty seat in front of me. "How about a 'thank you'? Besides, once you start, everyone is going to realise you have a Tinder account. Might as well let them know anyway." Yuigahama replied evenly. I kicked myself - I had forgotten the fact that she was the resident expert in matters pertaining to social matters. I probably should have asked her advice much earlier.

"Anyway, can you get the chuunibyou to drop by the club later? I'll let you know more later, gotta run." Yuigahama said as she stood up to return to her seat. Class was about to start, and I wasn't able to ask her about her intentions, but I have a feeling she was up to something. Anyway, I couldn't dwell on it, because of the other thing she said. I was a fool - there is no point trying to hide my Facebook activities - having a Tinder account right now would have put all my past deeds to shame, and I can't choose to hide it - I'm practically putting myself on display.

For the first time, I dreaded the end of class. Yuigahama must have realised this early on, but me and Yukinoshita were in too deep to properly think through the massive ramifications of **me** creating a Tinder account. Not Yukinoshita, mind you, who would have nothing to lose with the current arrangement, but **me**! I've drawn the short end of the stick and it is even shorter than I had realised!

When lunch came round, I practically ran out of class to the habitat of the delusional: the library. I didn't know why, but somehow I came to the conclusion that Yuigahama had some kind of plan. It was all I could hope for as I came skidded to a halt in front of the library. Even from the outside I could spot his white hair and ridiculous trenchcoat as he pursued the light novel section of the library, clearly seeking inspiration from the masters as he struggled to write his own.

"Zaimokuza, I need a favor." "Hikigaya Hachiman, I thought I sensed a disturbance in the force. To what do I owe the pleasure?" His speech and mannerisms as boisterous as ever even in the library, I couldn't help but smile as I approached him. For all his eccentricities, Zaimokuza has proven to be strangely dependable when I needed him to be. I quickly requested for his presence at the Service Club meeting later, to which readily agreed to, in exchange for my promise that the Service Club would review his latest light novel when he was done drafting it. Some things never change, and I am glad Zaimokuza was among them.

I returned to class feeling a little relieved, although the feeling of dread returned to taunt me as time moved forward at an uncanny pace. A pace that was never present when I needed it.

* * *

"And this is where I set a profile picture?" Yukinoshita asked as she and Yuigahama helped her set up her Facebook profile. "Yup! Hey, this is a nice picture, why not use it?" Yuigahama replied, cheerfully guiding her through the steps required to set up her profile as I briefed Totsuka and Zaimokuza about our grand experiment.

In short, we had decided that we had to exhaust all resources. In the end, it did not boil down to the _who_ cast the net, but _what_ the person did afterwards.

"You want to use Tinder?" Totsuka asked, completely taken by surprise. I was quite disappointed that he did not look a little hurt or betrayed, but before I could say anything, Zaimokuza laughed in that annoying way of his, as if he was some 80s action hero. "Oho! Hachiman, have you-"

I shut him up with a elbow to the ribs before he could run his mouth. "Listen, this is just an experiment, or rather, a contest between me and Yukinoshita. There is no ulterior motive to this, I promise. We need to to talk to as many girls as possible, so there's where you guys come in." I replied to Totsuka. To be completely honest, it sounded weird, even to me. At that moment, Yukinoshita spoke up. "Hikigaya-kun is correct. The main reason why we need your help is because we have serious doubts that we would be able to receive any data with just him alone."

"Oh, I see… well this is kind of embarrassing, but I suppose it sounds kind of fun, too!" Totsuka replied cheerfully. "So all I got to do is to download Tinder and make an account, right?"

"Yup! Then just swipe it every so often and let us know when you get a response! That shouldn't be much of a problem, right?" Yuigahama replied as she laid out the rules. Again, Totsuka and Zaimokuza are just proxies for our experiment.

"Excuse me!" Zaimokuza interrupted. "Say I were to match with someone I may have an interest in…"

"Say no more, go ahead." I replied. Yukinoshita looked at me accusingly, but quickly came to the same conclusion I had and nodded in approval. "You are free to use the app as intended - your involvement in this experiment is purely voluntary and of your own accord. As such, you are free to decide for yourself if you would prefer to… _donate_ to our cause or not."

With that, both Totsuka and Zaimokuza nodded in agreement as they immediately set up their profiles, their hearts swayed by Yukinoshita's dedication to the cause. Taking a deep breath, I too synced my Tinder account to my Facebook profile. Almost immediately the three of us hit a roadblock.

"A… bio? What do I write?" Totsuka asked as we struggled to come with something.

"Here. A reference." Yuigahama said nonchalantly as she handed over her phone, which was already on Tinder. "You have a Tinder account too?" I asked, surprised. I didn't think she would have one… Sensing my confusion, she immediately replied, "Of - of course not! I just made one too! It'd be unfair if only you guys had to make an account for this…"

Yukinoshita, too, nodded as she reveal the screen of her phone to reveal that she too was in the midst of creating a Tinder account. Seeing the club like this put me at ease as I reached for Yuigahama's phone and looked through the list of bachelors, making sure to swipe left for everything at her orders. As I expected, most bios either consisted mainly of a one liner, or a general list of interests. What I did not expect was to be able to recognise several people from our school. Totsuka and Zaimokuza as well, as they laughed at several of the more outlandish profile pictures and bios. Yuigahama, too, joined in as we spent several minutes just looking through profiles, before coming to her senses and snatching away the phone once we began discussing swiping right on some of these profiles.

"You guys have had enough to reference, get started already, geez!" She complained as we sheepishly got to work. In the end, Zaimokuza settled on 'Swipe right to embark on a journey of discovery together!', Totsuka on 'Hey there, let's be friends =)' and for myself, 'Yo'.

"Hikigaya-kun, surely you don't expect to be able to attract anybody with that picture of yours, do you?" Yukinoshita observed as she appraised our profiles. She had completely ignored Zaimokuza and merely nodded at Totsuka's bio. "I expected your bio to be able to compensate for your dead fish eyes, but apparently you've given up hope before you've even started…"

"On the contrary, women are attracted to intelligence. Shouldn't the fact that my fish eyes which are naturally full of DHA and Omega-3 would naturally attract them?"

"Maybe, if you were trying to attract several schools of fishes." She replied before turning her attention to back to my phone where my potential matches await. Without a second thought she began swiping right for everyone as quickly as she could.

"Oi!" I yelped as I grabbed the phone, but not before she managed to like at least 20 girls and sent out my daily superlike to a completely random stranger. "What are you doing?!"

"Casting as wide a net as possible." Yukinoshita replied as a matter-of-factly. This was bad, I thought I recognised some of my middle school classmates in there… if one of them was the recipient of the Superlike... "Hikigaya-kun, surely you don't expect to be able to obtain any data if you were to further restrict your chances?" Yukinoshita continued, oblivious to my predicament. The rest of the day was spent looking through profiles and using our daily 50 likes while keeping a respectable distance away from Yukinoshita. I recognised a couple of ex-middle schoolmates, but most were complete strangers to me. Perfect, now to keep it that way.

* * *

I come out from the shower and decided to check on my Tinder account one last time before going to bed. As I predicted, 0 matches. To be expected, really, I thought as I yawned and dropped onto my bed, stretching. Things aren't going as bad as I thought it would, I haven't had any weird looks as of now.

I closed my eyes and reached for the lamp switch, willing myself to fall asleep. No point hoping for a match - it'll come when it comes. I sighed as I reflected on today. Truly, a bizarre day, starting with several near misses before recruiting more to help with the cause - **!**

I practically jumped out of bed as I hurried over to my laptop, my phone completely forgotten as my heart raced. I loaded up Facebook, drumming my fingers on the table impatiently as the page loaded. I scanned the news feed - nothing out of the ordinary. I did a quick check on my class Facebook page to be absolutely certain - again, nothing. All was quiet.

Turning off the laptop, I let myself crash against the back support of my chair as I stared at the ceiling before I started laughing in spite of myself. Closing my eyes, I replayed the events of today in my mind as I marvelled at the foresight, insight and utterly brilliant machinations of Yuigahama Yui.


	4. Yuigahama's Gambit

"SEMMMMMMM - PPAAAIIIIIIII!"

I sighed as I looked at the door, towards the source of the noise. "Any chance she'll just waltz past to the next building?" I asked Yuigahama and Yukinoshita, who both shook their heads. At this point, we were already too jaded by her antics to know resistance was futile. Resigning myself to the cruel hands of fate, I resolved to maintain as calm a demeanor as possible.

As I prepared for the incoming torrent of questions, I realised that she could only be here for one reason. Sure enough, the current Student Council President came crashing into the room, her eyes wide as she did a quick scan of the room before making a beeline straight for me.

"Good afternoon, Isshiki-san. What-" Yukinoshita did not manage to finish her sentence before Isshiki Iroha slammed her hands on the table and, took a deep breath and exploded, "Sempai! What is the meaning of this?! I look away for a couple of days and then I find out you're now on Tinder?! Ahh! Are you using this as an excuse to hit on me, knowing I'd find out and come looking-"

Midway through her rant, I glanced over to Yuigahama and Yukinoshita, who were watching with a bemused expression as Isshiki continued on with her rejection.

"-for you in my confused state-"

Meanwhile, Zaimokuza and Totsuka, who had just entered the club, were stunned to see what looked like a rather dramatic rejection scene playing out. Zaimokuza looked impressed, while Totsuka looked shocked. Now hold on… I'm still at 0 matches… This isn't what you think… Hurry up and reject me already, Isshiki, so I can set the record straight…

"-you are much more cunning than I thought... Even so, I'm sorry, it's still not possible!" Isshiki finished, bowing her head towards me as if in consolation, except that I was no longer at my seat, but instead was pulling out a couple of chairs for our guests. "Eh, wait a minute… sempai?"

"Zaimokuza, Totsuka, any luck yesterday?" "Nay, the enemy lies in hiding, but fear not, my refined senses will soon sniff them out and-" "Nothing yet, Hachiman. Guess I'm no good at this, huh?"

"Wait.. wait a minute, is this some kind of experiment?! Sempai, you tricked me!" Isshiki wailed as the entire Service Club pulled out our phones and began our daily ritual of swiping left and right to hit our daily quota.

* * *

Right after turning off my laptop, I grabbed my phone and checked my Tinder profile again. More specifically, I looked through the pictures on display. As I suspected, while my main display picture was a solitary shot of myself taken during the school festival, the very next picture on display was a group shot of every member of the Service Club, including Zaimokuza and Totsuka, taken during the time we celebrated Yuigahama's birthday party together. In fact, every other picture on display had at least one other member of the Service Club along with me. I quickly scouted through Zaimokuza's and Totsuka's Facebook profile on my phone - as I suspected, their latest update to their photo collection came in the form of the photos Yuigahama sent me. The exact same photos that now dominated all our Tinder profiles.

I set my phone aside and exhaled - I didn't even realise I was holding my breath, but Yuigahama has completely outdone herself. Right from the start she had realised the implications and had taken steps to prevent a disaster - She deliberately and exclusively chose pictures taken of me with the other members of the Service Club to be featured on my Facebook profile. She then tagged herself, Yukinoshita, Zaimokuza and Totsuka in as many of those pictures as possible to ensure that they were aware of my Facebook presence, as well as to override any pictures they might have that would have been picked up by Tinder. As they were all recent shots, naturally they would be chosen, not to mention that there were several decent shots of us in there too. Zaimokuza was a gamble, but he never uploaded any photos anyway, so she probably decided that he was the best choice she could find on such short notice, whereas Totsuka was the next most likely candidate who could help out.

As for herself and Yukinoshita, she was in control of both their accounts the entire time. Making a Tinder account for both of them was a simply part of a massive cover up for me. Basically, Yuigahama has managed to disguise me having a Tinder account as some sort of club activity. Our club already had a reputation for doing any job, no matter how big or small. All she did was to capitalise on it and used her knowledge of social media to manipulate how everyone else would see our actions. If I had simply uploaded my profile with only pictures of myself, it would have sent the entire school in a frenzy, since it was _Hikigaya Hachiman_ creating a Tinder account. Yuigahama has ensured that you couldn't see my profile without someone else seeing Zaimokuza's or Totsuka's profile, while planting both hers and Yukinoshita's account as a decoy to complete the deception. The resulting confusion when they realised every member of the Service Club is on Tinder would be a natural smokescreen for anyone in our school, but would seem perfectly normal to anyone else. As I stared at the ceiling, reflecting on her actions, I did not remember falling asleep until the alarm clock rang.

* * *

Isshiki Iroha was the only one who had come forward to confront us about this sudden development. Everyone else bought into the story that we were probably working on some strange request on Tinder and did not make a fuss out of it, although as an unintended side effect many seemed to have used the opportunity to create an account themselves.

"So, you guys are just working on an experiment? Geez you got me all worried for nothing." Isshiki replied, looking relieved. "For a moment I thought sempai had gone off the deep end in desperation."

"Don't be silly, I wouldn't be driven to madness so easily, and even if I did I still wouldn't go touch Tinder with a 10-meter long pole." I replied as I swiped left on a girl whose profile picture was a rabbit and demanded a rabbit to be featured on any potential suitor's profile picture.

"Yes, although if Hikigaya-kun is unable to find a match using Tinder, I fear all may be lost." Yukinoshita said as she calmly sipped her tea. She was the first to be done with her 50 daily swipes - she had just swiped right on everyone without so much as a look and used her daily superlike on a random guy, 'all in the name of gathering data'.

"You chose to put no faith in this app, why are you now implying it's my only chance?" I shot back as I swiped right on a cheerleader just for the fun of it.

"I am withholding my judgement of the app until we have sufficient evidence, although that does not stop me from forming a hypothesis. I acknowledge there may be a small possibility of success, although I am not in possession of an analogy to describe just how small a chance that is."

 _Oi, are you describing Tinder in general, or me here?_

"Sempai, what do you intend to do once you're done with the experiment?" Isshiki asked, her expression bored. She has been in a foul mood since we explained to her the reason behind my Tinder presence, probably because she got worked up over nothing. Then again, nothing is ever as it seems with her, because she was currently in the midst of creating a profile herself, for reasons I cannot comprehend nor do I wish to.

"Simple, I delete my account and pretend this never happened." I replied. With that, she pouted again and returned to her phone, where she began swiping left on every profile violently.

* * *

With that, the second day of the experiment came to an end. Yukinoshita did not hesitate to hide her disappointment, although Zaimokuza and Totsuka still remained optimistic. As we went our separate ways at the school gate, I pushed my bike at a slower pace than usual to walk home alongside Yuigahama.

"Hey… thanks for everything you did." I muttered.

Yuigahama simply gave a vague smile as she hiked her bag. "I have no idea what are you talking about," she replied in a well rehearsed tone feigning confusion and ignorance. "It's getting late, come on."

I smiled as I hurried after her, slowing down my pace as we walked together. "You sure this is alright?" I asked her quietly as we walked side by side towards the station. She pretended to not have heard me as she continued smiling that mysterious smile of hers, her eyes unfocused as she maintained her pace. So we both can keep secrets, huh?

"Do you best, Hikki." Yuigahama said as we went our separate ways. I watched as she disappeared into the evening crowd, and stayed there for just a little longer, still staring after her. After all, it was her that managed to pull of the miracle that happened today.

Yuigahama's goal wasn't just to get the Service Club to create a tinder account together to get more 'data'.

Her goal was to make sure I wasn't singled out because of my Tinder account. By placing her own reputation on the line, she managed to preserve mine. Her bluff was so complete it managed to fool even Isshiki.

Not that I minded, it would simply have been another unavoidable and uncomfortable situation for me to endure, something I'm honestly rather used to. Still, thanks to Yuigahama, I have managed to completely avoid it, and for that I am eternally grateful.

* * *

"Nii-chan, you're doing something big in school again, aren't you?" Komachi asked as we washed the dishes together.

"Hmm? Not really, no major events so far…" I replied evasively. I did not need my little sister to find out about Tinder.

"Hmm, really? Well I thought something was up, seeing that you suddenly restarted your Facebook account." Komachi replied, a catlike grin appearing on her face.

 _Crap._

"Why're you stalking your brother on Facebook?" I asked her accusingly.

"It's not my fault we share a name." Komachi parried my blow.

"Well do I need a reason to use Facebook?" I dodged her counterattack, returning with one of my own.

"Ordinarily no, but since it's you, you must be up to something." Her reply hit me square in the jaw. Or rather, her finger did as she jabbed a thumb at me a little too excitedly.

"Ow... alright, I'm working on a project alright? We just have to do some research, and the fastest way to find it is through Facebook." It wasn't a lie, although it wasn't the truth either. "Now excuse me, I got to continue my research."

Komachi's grin stretched to epic proportions as she fished my phone from her pocket and showed me my notification screen. "Research? Well, I think you just got some quality data." My heart almost stopped when I saw that, despite my precautions in setting up a password, Tinder still had access to my notification screen. And right now, the only thing on display was the app telling me I have received a Superlike.


	5. Attack on Logic

I made Komachi promise not to tell anyone, although the damage had already been done. Yuigahama may have safeguarded my reputation from the rest of my school, but there is no recovering from this. Komachi knew this, as I still could hear her laughter even as I locked myself in my room.

Staring at my phone, I wondered what was it I had done to have diverged so far from the esteemed path of the Loner. Here I am, slumped against the door, staring at a dating app that has managed to cause more chaos in my life than anything I've done. Oh how far I have fallen, to have joined the ranks of the millions of teens who can claim to have been brought to ruin by the horrors of social media.

Barely hanging onto life itself, I struggled physically to press on the accursed icon on my screen, as if repelled by it, which I actually was now. But what's done is done, no turning back. Once again I plunged into the world of Tinder, determined to find out the culprit behind the superlike.

To my disgust and horror, I found myself becoming more and more curious about the person who sent me the superlike, with every swipe I found myself wondering more and more about the individual. I couldn't help it. I'm returning to my old, naive self, but I was powerless against it. I had to know.

It took 20 profiles before I found her. The giant blue "Superliked you" on the screen indicated her profound interest in me as I stared at her profile. Her name, Erika. Sweet, sweet Erika, whose profile picture mesmerised me with her sweet smile and warm eyes, whose vague bio stating her interest in sports only captivating me further as I joyously swiped right.

 _It's a Match!_ The application announced, as both our profile pictures came together perfectly in holy matrimony. Forget the challenge, this was **LOVE**. My heart stopped as I noticed she too was online, and was already typing out a message! MY heart, which has been on the verge of exploding since Komachi exposed me, came very close to the limit as I waited with bated breath for her response…

'Sorry, accidental superlike.' And then she disappeared from my list of matches, leaving me staring at a blank screen.

There is a trick employed by swindlers, tricksters and con men commonly known as the suspension bridge effect. It is when they lure the victim into an unfavorable situation, and while they are in heightened state of arousal, trick them by making them confuse the cause of their arousal for something else.

I don't know why I started remembering some random piece of trivia I probably picked up from some book long ago. Actually, I don't particularly recall anything else for the next 16 hours, only snapping out of my trance when Yuigahama, fed up of me not responding to her call to go to the clubroom, came over and beaned me with her bag.

"Hikki, are you alright?" Yuigahama asked, looking genuinely concerned.

"No! Why would I be, you hit me on my head with your bag!" I replied angrily, still nursing my newly acquired bump from the impact of her deceptively heavy bag.

"Wasn't my fault, you were spacing out…" Yuigahama replied, her voice trailing off. I shook my head as I tried to focus on the task at hand, which only made the pain worse. Immediately I returned to my dormant state as Yuigahama trailed on about something irrelevant. I barely registered entering the clubroom when once again she hit me with her bag, although this time she aimed for my back. What's with women and violence?!

"Hikigaya-kun, since the weekends are coming up, I'm thinking of handing you my responses in advance on account of the _possibility_ that you may receive a response over the weekend." Yukinoshita said as I sat down in my usual seat. I'm usually impervious to her barbs, but today her words cut deep, deeper than any sword. I grunted a reply and pulled out a random book to hide behind to continue reflecting on my life up to this point.

I am an **idiot**. I let my emotions run wild and fell right into the trap I've endeavored to avoid. In the heat of the moment, I allowed myself to believe. For that 5 minutes, Hikigaya Hachiman _believed_ in social media - in _Tinder_.

No more. Yesterday was a series of unfortunate events that led to my temporary loss of higher reasoning. I had let myself be fooled by my emotions, and by doing so, once again I felt the cruel embrace of rejection. A crushing sensation I had sworn never to be the victim of again. The resulting trauma was debilitating enough to put me out of commission until now.

From now until the termination of the Tinder account, I shall be a man of steel, impervious to the devious ploys of the opposite sex. This Tinder account was created purely for the purpose of research, and I **will** beat Yukinoshita in this challenge.

With newfound resolve and determination, I looked up, only to find both Yukinoshita and Yuigahama staring at me as if I was some kind of exhibit. "What?"

"You've been sitting there for an hour… I thought that maybe you've died of shame." Yukinoshita replied. Maybe it was my imagination, but the tone of her voice changed mid-sentence, from terse to disappointed.

"Yukinon, he's been like that the entire day, I think he might be sick or something." Yuigahama said, looking genuinely concerned and also a little bit guilty.

"I'm fine…" I started, but not before Yukinoshita placed a palm on my forehead. Unfortunately she placed her palm vertically and applied a lot more force behind it than one would expect you to treat a potentially sick person with. It actually looked like she was practicing the Buddha Palm Technique on me, which I had to say was pretty effective because it hurt.

"Ow! Whats with you two and hitting my head today?!" I complained as I rubbed the point of impact.

"It doesn't look like he has a fever, and his reaction seems fine…" Yukinoshita replied, looking puzzles. "No clear signs of onset of dementia, amnesia or insanity, although the last would be hard to prove…"

"What are you blabbing on about?" I demanded. "I'm perfectly fine."

"A perfectly fine person doesn't sit at his chair reading a book for 2 hours." Yuigahama replied crossly.

"I do it all the time!" I protested, gesturing to the book I was still holding on to.

"Not upside down." Yukinoshita admonished as I looked and confirmed that I indeed had been reading my English Textbook upside down. "Get some rest, Hikigaya-kun. I need you alive for this experiment to work."

"Fine, fine, I get it. Where's the consolidated responses? I'll hold on to them in case I get a match over the weekends." I conceded. It was about time to go home, anyway. With that, we called it a week and returned home.

Komachi smiled as she sat beside me and flashed a massive grin. "Onii-chan, how did it go?"

"Whatever are you talking about, my dear sister?" I replied calmly as I continued my meditations.

"Your secret admirer!" Komachi replied cheerfully. "I was getting worried I had to support you once I start working. It's quite a relief to find out you are thinking about your future!"

"Komachi, first of all, I don't expect you to support me. That I can manage for now. Second, you have a very fundamental misunderstanding of Tinder and its applications and purposes."

"You didn't say anything about your secret admirer." Komachi observed.

"... There was a misunderstanding." I replied curtly. Komachi began tearing up almost immediately.

"Oh Onii-chan, not even Tinder can help you? Don't worry, I'm here for you! Oh! I think I managed to regain some points there!"

In spite of everything, I smiled. Komachi hadn't betrayed me. If anything, she seemed to be rather supportive of me usage of Tinder, although I really wish she'd believe me when I told her it was purely for research. "I think I'm having an early night today. Good night, Komachi."

"Good night, onii-chan." Komachi called out as she turned to face the television.

As I lay down in bed, I decided to take one last look at Tinder for the day. I reached for my phone, which I had left to charge in my room for the past hour. Several notifications, a reply from Totsuka and Zaimokuza regarding the instructions for the weekend, Facebook needed updating… And a Superlike.

 **WHAT.**

This time, I was prepared. Tinder isn't personal, it's a project. And I am its enforcer. I pulled out the instructions Yuigahama and Yukinoshita prepared as I swiped through the candidates, looking for the origin of the superlike. Yuigahama was first, so I would be her proxy for this conversation. Hikigaya Hachiman will have no part in this.

Left, right, right, ohh right! Left, right, left again… where's that accursed superlike?

About 30 swipes later, I was convinced it was a bug in the system, that it was confusing the superlike from yesterday. Just as I was about to call it a day, the sender of that fateful Superlike came into view. You got to be kidding, I thought as I stared at the name. A name that inspired both fear and dread simultaneously.

Yukinoshita Haruno superliked you!

At that moment, I had a choice. The logical choice would be to proceed, the emotional choice to turn and run the hell away.

I took the logical choice and sent Yukinoshita Haruno a pick up line courtesy of Yuigahama Yui.

The line? 'If you were to be a vegetable, you'd be a cutecumber'.


	6. The Science of Deduction

Usually, I only come to life on the weekends after I've had my morning coffee, which is a little bit of a misnomer because my first cup of coffee tends to arrive at about 1pm in the afternoon. The lack of obligations meant I have no real reason to expend my precious time and energy on anything that wasn't beneficial to me. This also meant today was an anomaly, because I was wide awake juggling two equally gargantuan tasks without coffee at 10am.

The first was the small matter of Haruno-san, who responded to my (actually Yuigahama's) pick up line from yesterday. I did not know what I had expected, but Haruno-san replied with 'And you'd be a sweet potato! Oh, this is fun, gimme another!'. I relayed the information to Yuigahama via text, whose disbelief could only be expressed by an text filled to the brim with unnecessary emojis and no clear response. I promptly sent her another text politely requesting a proper reply to my "match". I also chose not to divulge any information about the recipient to her because it would obviously compromise the data and my brain was currently hardwired to the rules of the challenge, and because I had shut off all emotional stimuli in favour of cold, hard logic.

The next more pressing concern was with regards to a match made specifically for me. Or, to be more precise, Zaimokuza. Against all odds, he was the first to receive a match after mine, if mine could be considered a 'match' instead of an 'arranged coincidence'. Anyway since he made the connection, Zaimokuza became my proxy, meaning to say I had to talk to a girl who matched with _Zaimokuza_. I briefly contemplated what this meant for me, and the stakes involved.

First: Zaimokuza got a match before I did. Z : 1, H : 0

Second: If I failed this conversation: Z : 1, H : -1

Third, if I succeeded: Z : 2, : H : 1

There is only one choice in this. To face the enemy head on and come out victorious. I requested for a snapshot of her bio, as well as all her pictures on display, a request that was quickly seen to and completed in the time it took for me to get my first cup of coffee.

I sat down in front of my laptop and quickly scanned through the consolidated data. Her name was Mitsuki. She was brunette from Tokyo. Her bio stated that she was on the lookout for new friends to discover new areas together. Her profile was about pretty much standard fare, nothing extravagant or significant, really. Perfect.

 _Tokyo. Metropolitan area, judging by her uniform. No reason to want to associate with Zaimokuza… could this be the result of a superlike? No, she'd outright swipe left, superlike or no... Superlikes are not meant to be used by guys, ever._

I stared at the pictures again. There was one taken at school… a couple at the shrine… one taken at a random mall… nothing out of the ordinary…

I was interrupted by the ringing of my phone, which meant I had to deliver yet another line to Haruno-san. 'I can't, sorry, feeling a little sick right now'... sent. Just what is with Yuigahama and pick up lines?!

Back to Zaimokuza. As I drained my cup of the last of its coffee, a thought came to me. Surely, it was impossible…

 _Discover new places? Pictures of a shrine and the mall in the middle of town?_

Heh, I've got it. I quickly called Zaimokuza.

"Tis' I." The voice on the other end answered.

"Zaimokuza, are you prepared?"

"Of course. Just say the word, and it shall be done."

"Alright. You might want to write this down."

"My pen is always at the ready, comrade."

"Don't call - nevermind. 'I have been awaiting you.'"

"Uhuhu, consider it done. And… I must say, great minds think alike."

 _Rotten_ minds think alike, I thought as I took a break for now. As I had my lunch, I subconsciously started fiddling with Tinder. Komachi was out with her friends, and my workaholic parents were pretty much never at home, so I decided to hit my daily quota. To my surprise, the first candidate was none other than Yukinoshita. If I swiped right, I'd probably wind up matching with her, considering that she would eventually match with every person on the planet given enough time. Instead, I took the time to read up on her bio. I laughed out loud, I couldn't help it. Her bio simply read "I like cats."

I chose to swipe right, but nothing happened. Guess she hadn't managed to reach my profile just yet. I also took a quick picture of my cat, who was currently lounging on the sofa.

I returned to the application, where I resumed my swiping duties for another 3 minutes before I got bored and decided to play some games to pass the time.

* * *

I was rather enjoying myself when my phone starting ringing. It was a message from Zaimokuza, who reported that his match was awaiting a reply. Back to work it is.

Once again, the information was laid out before me, courtesy of Zaimokuza as he dutifully captured every detail of her response.

'Haha, what're you talking about?' Mitsuki replied.

 _Testing the waters, I see. She's still uncertain, but the fact that she replied means…_

I didn't even call Zaimokuza this time. Just a text that read 'I thought that I be mistaken, but there is no doubt that you are the one.'

She was one alright. A fully functioning Chuunibyou. **Two** pictures at the exact same shrine and one at the mall, pictures that screamed for a rescue from this boring life. An open admission to harbouring wild delusions. The mall was just a feeble attempt to cover up which would fool most others, but I am not like most others. Well, that or she's a part time Miko. But I doubt that, it's unlikely you'd post a picture of the shrine and not include the Miko outfit if you were part of it to begin with.

Speaking of delusions, I checked on my list of matches. A reply from Haruno-san. 'Oh dear, was that too much for you?'

I sighed as I typed in Yuigahama's response: 'Actually it's because I'm lacking in Vitamin U.' I somehow managed to keep myself from puking as I resolved to hit my daily quota so I can call it a day on this accursed app. I did not want to revisit Tinder again until tomorrow, so I could put off the next time I had to check on Haruno-san.

Without a concern, I took the path of least resistance and swiped right on everything that came to view.

 **Match found!**

You gotta be kidding me.

What the…? Not even a picture? I matched with a total stranger by the name of Saki, who had no picture, bio or, well anything, really. Just a name and age, which was the same as mine. Whatever, this is perfect. I copied Yukinoshita's opening and sent it to Saki without a second thought.

'Hello, I am Hikigaya Hachiman, currently a student in Sobu High. I propose we abandon all pretense that we aren't interested in each other as we very obviously are for us to both have mutually swiped right on each other. In fact, I shall take on the burden of responsibility and be the first to lay myself out bare for you to inspect at your personal leisure. Please, should you have any doubts, let me be the first to dispel them. I am willing to provide any and all assistance on the matter until you are thoroughly satisfied. I await your response, Saki.'

I walked out of my room, utterly convinced that I had managed to scare Saki away. Why on earth did Yukinoshita think I have to include my current school in there… **!**

 _ **Saki…?!**_

Panic gripped me as I ran back into my room and grabbed my phone, fumbling as I cursed myself.

 _I knew I forgot something!_

The sake for dad! Did I forget to order it? Oh thank goodness, order confirmed. Damn, I should stop scaring myself like that.


	7. Keeping Score

"Hikigaya-kun, I'm here!" A voice called out joyously. A female voice.

"Wait, who are you?" I replied cautiously towards the source of the voice.

"Take - A - Guess!" The voice purred ominously. "I'm here to give you your daily dosage of Vitamin ME!"

I felt myself falling through my bed into the abyss as I screamed to the heavens. Mid-plunge I realised I was in a dream, and manually slowed my descent and landed smoothly on my feet as the scenery changed from the very picture of hell to the very definition of heaven, which was the MAX coffee factory.

This is my dream, and I am in control. I grabbed a freshly prepared can from the production line and popped the seal, savoring the aroma of MAX coffee before taking a hearty draught, the bitter taste flowing smoothly - **?!**

 **MAX coffee isn't bitter!**

I regurgitated the foul liquid, the bitterness intensifying as it exited my body. Wiping my mouth, I stared at the can, which had transformed into my phone before I realised it, and was now on Tinder. I tried to close it, but it instead sent a superlike to the girl on screen. I hit the home button, and again it sent another superlike out. I tried the power button, another superlike sent. In desperation, I threw the phone away, but it was stuck to my skin, like a mark of shame. Then, it started sending superlikes by itself. I recognised several recipients of the superlike - Kaori Orimoto, Yumiko Miura, Hina Ebina, Hayato Hayama, Tobe…

I watched in horror as the entirety of Chiba received a superlike from Hikigaya Hachiman. I could take no more - I turned and screamed to the heavens.

" **THIS IS MY DREAM! YOU CAN'T HURT ME IN HERE!"**

"But this is my specialty, my sweet potato." The voice called out again. I spun around to see a massive figure leaning against the wall. A butterfly, I realised as it swooped down on me and swallowed me whole.

* * *

I opened my eyes to find myself lying safely in bed. I turned my head and saw that it was only 10:34am, but I doubt I'd be able to get any more sleep even if I tried.

"Onii-chan, you look like you had a nightmare." Komachi observed as I entered the living room.

"Yes, I did. But then I woke up and realised it was nothing compared to the real world." I replied as I made a cup of extra sweet coffee. In fact, it would be more accurate to say it was a cup of condensed milk with some coffee in it. With that, I returned to my room, where I drained the cup in one go before I finally picked up my phone. I took one look at the notification screen and sighed before getting up to prepare a whole pot of coffee for the day ahead.

First order of business was of course the most important, far more than anything else. Totsuka received a match. I really wanted to order him to delete the app immediately and never look back. Instead I redirected him to Yuigahama, who now had two points of contact to manage. Next up was Zaimokuza, who reported that Mitsuki has replied in an odd manner requiring my immediate attention.

'How certain are you?' Mitsuki had replied to the last message. I smiled, amused by her predictable response.

 _How certain are you. Full stop, not a question mark, not an exclamation. She can barely contain her excitement. She wants confirmation. To her, this was a like a spymaster coordinating with his subordinates in public. Speaking two separate conversations, yet perfectly understanding each other. Now… the question is… who's the_ _ **GRANDMASTER**_ _here?_

I sent Zaimokuza a text detailing his next move: 'The question is no longer HOW…. But WHEN. Are you adequately prepared?!'

Satisfied, I looked over and saw that Haruno-san and Saki had replied. I took another massive swig of coffee before diving right into hell itself.

Haruno-san's reply nearly knocked me out. 'I'm afraid there's no U in me, although there's definitely a U in us.' She and Yuigahama are natural match for each other, I thought as I copied her words verbatim and sent it over to Yuigahama.

Next up was the mysterious Saki, who still had no picture, bio or any real defining characteristics to speak of. Her reply to Yukinoshita's essay? 'You're joking, right?' I too forwarded it verbatim to Yukinoshita's.

Surprisingly, Yukinoshita replied first. 'I do not recall us having any communications prior to this, Hikigaya-kun. Have you finally gone insane? Do I have to fear for myself, seeing that I am the first victim of your delusions?' She sent.

'That was the reply from your match.' I sent back.

'I see. I shall require a moment to prepare a response.' Yukinoshita replied. Then she sent another text confirming if I really did receive a match, and demanded to see proof. Then she sent me yet another text saying I need not bother, and that ignorance is bliss, along with her reply to Saki, 'I would like to assure you that this is no joke, and that I meant every word. I would like to know if you feel the same, so we can skip the formalities and move our relationship onto the next step'.

I copied the message and sent it over to Saki, confident she would definitely unmatch me now. Normally, I'd protest, but I've been through a lot in the past couple of days. Thank goodness it wasn't being sent to someone I knew - Yukinoshita's lines are much worse than Yuigahama's pick up lines. Speaking of which, here she comes now.

Yuigahama's reply came in two parts. The first was an 'are you serious?' directed at me, the second was yet another lovely line to deliver, 'U in us? That can't be, because U complete me.'

Just how many pick up lines does Yuigahama have, and how many does she intend to employ over the course of a single conversation?! And how am I ever going to answer to Haruno-san?!

My head still spinning, I just swiped right on the next 50 profiles. It was a relief when I hit the daily quota, because I pretty much just wanted to throw my phone somewhere far away and never look at it again.

* * *

It was nearly dinnertime when I received an urgent phone call from Zaimokuza.

"Hachiman, she just… gave me her number." Zaimokuza stammered over the phone.

"Alright, let me know if you get another match." I replied, disconnecting from the call as I went to get dinner.

 _Score one for Deduction & Reasoning._

As I had my dinner with Komachi, I realised she was staring at me.

"What?" I asked, feeling rather self conscious.

"You seem to be glowing… it's creepy…" Komachi replied as she nervously edged further away.

"Glowing...?" I immediately became aware of the massive smirk I had been wearing since Zaimokuza's call 5 minutes ago. I had been smiling so much, my jaw was starting to ache.

"Sorry, better now?" I asked, certain that I'd wiped the creepy look off my face. Komachi simply shook her head as she finished her curry as quickly as possible, avoiding any further eye contact. No matter, I'll relish in my victory while I can.

After dinner, I quickly returned to my room to once again plunge into the hostile fields of Tinder, more determined than ever to win. With one victory secured, I was feeling confident that I could take on the world. The feeling quickly vanished when I realised I had two new matches - Isshiki Iroha & Kaori Orimoto. Not only that, Haruno-san and Saki were awaiting a reply. This is not good.

 _What is Isshiki playing at? She knows we're in the middle of a challenge. And Orimoto… Orimoto swiped right on me. But why? Still, this is match 5 and 6, so its between me and Yukinoshita now._

I decided to leave the sorting of the new matches for later. There were more urgent matters to attend to. Haruno-san, for example. 'You're surprisingly aggressive… I like it'. As I read it, several thoughts ran through my mind.

 _I'm tied with Yuigahama now.  
_ _The Yukinoshitas love pick up lines.  
_ _ **This is bad, what the hell is going on here?!**_

I fear I may never return to the status quo, not after this challenge. Still, I dutifully forwarded Haruno-san's reply to Yuigahama. The time to panic isn't now. Now, I had a job to do. I need to be calm and reasonable for this. Still, as I stared at Yuigahama's number on my phone...

 _I don't even want to know what is going through Yuigahama's mind when she reads that._

The truth is I didn't really need to try and guess, because she replied instantly. 'I think you may have matched with a sadist, Hikki. These pick up lines were supposed to be painfully bad…'

'Then why did you use them?!' I replied, slightly annoyed since I was the one who actually had to put them into circulation.

'They are all that I know T.T' she sent back. 'I was certain they wouldn't work, but…'

To be fair, I really don't think this was Yuigahama's fault - she just happened to have matched with Haruno-san.

Next up was Saki, who against all odds has not unmatched me yet. Her reply was a short 'You're serious!?' I promptly requested for a follow up from Yukinoshita. Poor Saki, I'm sorry in advance, whoever you may be. I'm sure you're a lovely girl who doesn't deserve the social skills of the Ice Queen.

 _Now for the critical moment. The decision. It was obvious, really. The point is to win, and whoever's response I can best control is the obvious choice here._

'Also, Yukinoshita, I have another match. Shall I send the same message as before?'

And so, my day came to an end with 4 different messages to 4 different individuals with whom I've matched with.

To Haruno-san, courtesy of Yuigahama: 'Just my aggressiveness?'

To Saki, courtesy of Yukinoshita: 'As serious as my interest in you.'

To Orimoto, again courtesy of Yukinoshita: 'Hello, I am Hikigaya Hachiman, currently a student in Sobu High. I propose we abandon all pretense that we aren't interested in each other as we very obviously are for us to both have mutually swiped right on each other. In fact, I shall take on the burden of responsibility and be the first to lay myself out bare for you to inspect at your personal leisure. Please, should you have any doubts, let me be the first to dispel them. I am willing to provide any and all assistance on the matter until you are thoroughly satisfied. I await your response, Kaori.'

Lastly, to Isshiki: 'I like you. Please go out with me.'


	8. Ashes to Ashes

As I arrived at school, I noticed a familiar face hanging around near the school bike shed. Upon closer inspection, I realised it was Kurogane-

 _Wait, that's not right._

I realised it was Kuala Lumpur-

 _That's not even a name, damn it what was it again? Oh, right!_

I stared at Konosuba as she nervously started toying with her scrunchie, tying her blue hair into a ponytail with it then undoing it again as if preparing for an interview or something.

She seemed to be waiting for someone, as she kept staring at her phone while counting down the time before class started, which was only 10 minutes from now.

She's the type to completely ignore your existence if you just mind your own business, the way I like to be most of the time, so I opted to ignore her as I locked my bike and walked straight past her into school.

"Waiting for someone?" I asked out of politeness. Class was about to start, after all.

"Eh?" Konosuba replied as our eyes met. Then, for whatever reason, she started blushing and promptly ran in the opposite direction, away from the school. Is she on another part time job or something? I really don't want another job for the Service Club right now…

* * *

I stepped into class and immediately felt the hostility emanating from the class, judging by the lack of chatter and the general restlessness of my classmates. It is times like this where my 108 skills come in handy. I need not ask and risk being caught in the crossfire, I can simply gather data in relative safety and obscurity. That and I could probably ask Yuigahama about it later in club.

From my observations, deductions and conclusion, apparently the entire school had caught on to Tinder, and now there is some sort of power play revolving around the number of matches you received. Sort of like when Instagram first came out, but more intense since Tinder was more telling of your general popularity.

What surprised me was that Hayama was not first, as he explicitly did not make an account. I felt slightly miffed by that, as that could mean I succumbed to peer pressure before he did. I was also surprised because he would definitely win as he would surely rack up the matches better than anyone here could.

My next big surprise was that Tobe was among the frontrunners in this new race, with a grand total of 1 match found. The same match he came to us for help with.

In fact, going by numbers alone, I made a shocking discovery: among all the males in school, I have the single most number of matches in the entire school. At this point I seriously considered uninstalling Tinder before anyone realised I had 4 matches.

Speaking of matches…

Haruno-san had replied, "I definitely am interested in you, Hikigaya-kun." I have _very mixed_ feeling about her 'interest' in me, which I doubt was anything healthy or beneficial to my general well being. Then again, I am on Tinder, so I have been questioning my sanity for the past week. I cannot possibly come clean on this with Yuigahama, so I'll have to be creative at club later.

Orimoto had simply replied "LOL", as I predicted. Handing her over to Yukinoshita was the right call after all, although I cannot possibly predict the Ice Queen's next move. I can only hope my gambit with Isshiki pays off before Orimoto catches on - although I highly doubt that would be the case.

Unfortunately, neither Saki nor Isshiki had replied. Isshiki was starting to worry me - she might blow the lid on this entire operation. If she hasn't replied by noon, I'd have to take measures to ensure her cooperation. Of all the matches, I would have expected her to be the first to reply. The other oddball was the mysterious Saki, who was the only complete stranger in my list of matches. I cannot possibly fathom why would she not unmatch someone who routinely sends her alarmingly creepy lines straight out of a horror movie, but then again maybe Yukinoshita really does know a thing or two about talking to girls.

When the bell rang for lunch, I quickly left the room before Yuigahama or anyone else could corner me to seek refuge in the library. Lunch was the least of my worries - I had to carefully plan out my next 6 hours and conclude this challenge before it escalates way out of hand. As I turned the corner, I ran into Zaimokuza, who was, to my surprise, not on the light novels section, but on the lifestyle section of the library.

"Hachiman! I-" Zaimokuza sputtered as he quickly shoved the teen magazine back into place.

"Zaimokuza. Swipe right on the next 50 profiles." I said as I looked around for an empty seat.

"What? I-" Zaimokuza replied, more shocked than anything else.

"I know you haven't been doing it. I'm counting on you." I continued as I continued moving deeper into the library.

"But Mitsuki-" Zaimokuza said as he trailed after me, confused by my sudden orders.

"What she doesn't know won't hurt her." I replied evenly, pulling out my phone as I found a secluded corner of the library and took a seat.

At the rate things are going, I have maybe 24 hours to finish the challenge before I completely lose control of the challenge. 24 hours to finish the challenge and eliminate all evidence of my Tinder activities before the power play creeps to the Service Club. At the very least, I want to end the challenge before anything else completely unforeseen happens and I am powerless to help it.

A sudden thought just hit me as I debated the odds of Zaimokuza getting another match in time. I quickly checked on the settings menu of Tinder which I had left alone since I first set up my profile and bio a week ago. I cursed under my breath as I finally realised why I could not find her after all this time. Some fool had set the 'Maximum Distance' setting to the absolute maximum of 161 kilometers. It was none other than Yukinoshita when she inspected our bios, probably in the name of casting as wide a net as possible. That explains how on earth did Zaimokuza manage to get a match with someone from as far away as Tokyo. This also explains why I had not matched with Yukinoshita just yet - she was probably on the same setting and I had only stumbled upon her profile yesterday, which means...

"Zaimokuza!" I practically shouted as I jumped out of my seat, to the surprise and shock of the entire library. I didn't really care - I found him still at the magazine section with his phone out.

"What?! Did I do something wrong?" Zaimokuza asked as I grabbed his phone quickly dialed the distance setting down to its minimum value of 2 kilometers.

"There. Remember, all 50 swipes!" I said before I ran back to class to do the same for Totsuka.

* * *

As soon as the bell rang, I checked with Totsuka for any new matches. It turned up blank, although it had only been 3 hours since the update. No matter, I have a plan now.

I can guarantee two new matches by today, which means I still require either Zaimokuza, Totsuka or even myself to receive a match within the next 6 hours. I had already increased the odds in their favor to astronomical levels, but there is still a chance to come up empty. Speaking of which, I will also need an excuse to avoid the clubroom for today. A dull smile crept its ways into my face as I saw Hayama and Tobe discuss their plans for today's soccer practice. My hastily concocted plan from before was coming to fruition after all.

I told Yuigahama to leave for the club without me as I had to check on Zaimokuza. As I left the classroom, I noticed Konosuba getting up as well. She had a scary look on her face as she increased her pace to match mine. I immediately understood why, and without so much as slowing down, turned my head to look at her and assured her that everything is fine, and that her secret was safe with me, and that I would not hold it against her.

 _She doesn't need to worry about working another part time job. It's her life, after all. I don't get why she collapsed on the floor though… might be relief that we aren't all over her this time._

Zaimokuza too came up blank, but I held out hope. I took this opportunity to search for the elusive profile. Time was short, and my next objective was just around the corner.

Still, it proved elusive despite my changes to the maximum distance parameter. I still have to change the odds in my favor…

I entered the clubroom with neither objective completed, although I still had my back up plan ready. To my surprise, both Yukinoshita and Yuigahama were occupied, Yuigahama with Totsuka's match from before and Yukinoshita with none other than Hiratsuka-sensei. Totsuka smiled at me as I entered the club, but everyone else was obviously rather worked up about something.

"I will leave the rest to you then, Yukinoshita." Hiratsuka-sensei said as she turned to leave the clubroom. That was unexpected…

"What was that about?" I asked. Sensei usually left us alone to our own devices, only involving herself strictly for administrative matters or personal problems. Speaking of which I still owe her for the talk we had at the bridge…

As of reading my mind, Yukinoshita replied. "I was just updating Sensei regarding our latest changes to the competition."

"Oh right, the one where the winner can order the losers to do anything they want?" I said as I recalled the silly bet.

"Wa-wait, losers?" Yuigahama exclaimed, looking up from Totsuka's phone.

"Yes. I was just asking Hiratsuka-sensei if I had to abide by the Geneva Convention, but then I realised it didn't apply to you, Hikigaya-kun." Yukinoshita replied. "Do not worry Yuigahama-san, when I win the challenge-"

"Hold up, you're winning? Last I checked I was leading." I countered, cutting her off. This is good, I just need a couple more minutes.

"It's still a draw, but unless you're implying you have a chance to win this challenge, I must say I have read up on the Geneva Convention, and what I have planned may be too cruel even for some species of fish."

"Woah, they're really into this, aren't they?" Totsuka muttered to Yuigahama as she shook her head in agreement.

 _Success…_

"No matter, preliminary results are in my favor, and I am certain will win this. You're welcome to beg for forgiveness, Yukinoshita, I promise I will follow the rules set by the UN regarding Human Rights."

"I'm surprised you bothered reading up on Human Rights, Hikigaya-kun. Why, I-"

" **SEMPAIIIIIIII!"**

 _Not a second too soon, Isshiki._

"I better settle this… she probably messed up my instructions about Tinder." I said as I packed my bag, preparing to leave the room before she could make another scene. One I cannot afford.

"You asked Iroha-chan to help out?" Yuigahama asked incredulously. Crap, she's sharper than I expected.

"It's complicated." I replied before cursing myself internally. Those words are the bane of every adolescent's life. Even Yukinoshita started to suspect something, to say nothing of Yuigahama, who was already starting to piece the puzzle.

"Anyway, I've emailed you their responses. I'll need an answer for them asap." I called out as I left the room to intercept Isshiki before she could ruin everything.

I stepped outside just in time to see Isshiki storming up the corridor, her phone in her hand. I didn't even need to guess what is on her screen as I quickly marched up to her. That surprised her so much she actually froze for a moment. Then she turned around and ran. Not clumsily as I would have expected, but run as is in full on sprinted away as if her life depended on it.

 _Perhaps I came on too strong… I didn't think Isshiki was the type to avoid commitment… That and I probably look really desperate in her eyes..._

Nevertheless there was only one place she could have possibly ran to in her state of panic.

"Come out, Isshiki." I said in a complete monotone outside the ladies toilet closest to the student council room.

"Go away!" came a voice about 3 octaves higher than usual.

"Don't make me come in there" I replied. "It's a Monday, so there's only the soccer club and us now."

"...I'm coming out now…" came the voice again, now back to normal.

"..."

"..."

Isshiki came out of the toilet wielding a mop. I don't have time for this…

"Listen, can you reply to me on Tinder, at least?" I asked as I bowed my head to her. She was so stunned that she lowered the mop. She must think I really have gone insane.

"Wait, is… **IS THIS THE EXPERIMENT?!** " She bellowed as she once again brandished the mop at me, but did not manage to because my hands were now firmly gripping the other end. My bowing was simply a ploy to get closer to it.

We stared at each other for a full 10 seconds before she decided that it was better for her health to hear me out.

* * *

Isshiki was silent as I explained everything to her, only stopping to clarify several elements that were confusing such as who was responsible for each match and the victory conditions. As she broke down the rules of the game, I was reminded of just how shrewd she could be, as she immediately figured out my game plan. The only problem was that she has no idea who sent that line to her, a point I absolutely refused to abandon, in the name of relevant and accurate data. She obviously knew I am trying to win the challenge here, but the problem is that she has no idea if her reaction would either hinder or help me. I am certain she couldn't ask Yukinoshita and Yuigahama about it either - it'd ruin her sweet persona she worked so hard to build and maintain.

This is why people often claim that birds of a feather flock together. We don't want anyone to see these horrible spots, do we, Isshiki? We're equally rotten on the inside, after all.

"Come on Isshiki, just pretend you're talking to me. How would you respond?" I said, egging her on.

"Sempai… I once called you a genius, right? I take it back. You are a genius alright… an evil genius." Isshiki admitted. She really could not tell if the line came from me or someone else.

"Why, thank you." I replied, smiling as she typed out her response.

"I guess… since I'm here, might as well go all out." Isshiki finally said as she put her phone down and massaged her temples.

I smiled graciously and assured her that the information was secure in the hands of the Service Club. Still, I felt a little guilty about sending so many conflicting messages at once. The truth is that the moment she matched with me, I had already guaranteed the victory.

For what it's worth, while Isshiki really was a wild card, I just happened to be the House, and the House always wins.

* * *

I immediately left for home after settling with Isshiki. I still had 3 matches to worry about, and neither Totsuka nor Zaimokuza was having any luck with them. Still, if my calculations were correct...

I had a very quick dinner with Komachi before bolting back to my room. I had to locate her now.

 _Left... left... ugh, left... **WHERE IS SHE?!**_

It was only after another 10 minutes before I finally found her profile. She obviously has not done anything on the app other than to set up its account...

 _Deja Vu..._

Laughing, I closed my eyes as, for the first and only time in my life, Hikigaya Hachiman voluntarily superliked someone on Tinder.


	9. Zugzwang

That's my eighth match settled, I thought as I waited for the Superlike to run its course. That's all I can guarantee, any more will require either an act of god or a more personal touch. Cheating, basically.

I looked over to my matches. Apart from Isshiki, everyone else was still where they had left it. No matter, more time to focus. Now to check my email for the update from Yuigahama and Yukinoshita… **?!**

 _Oh God._

'Actually, why don't we meet up and have a chat over lunch?' - From Yukinoshita, to be sent to both Saki and Orimoto.

I was overcome with sheer horror for about a minute before I regained my senses. I quickly dialed Yukinoshita to confirm and hopefully try to convince her not to see this plan through.

 _Orimoto wouldn't agree, no way. But Saki… I still have no idea who she is… she must be a masochist to not have unmatched me after all that nonsense I've sent her_

"Good evening, Hikigaya-kun." Yukinoshita's voice answered the call. I could not detect a hint of malice in those words - either she was an incredibly good actor or this was the natural course of action she intended to take. Knowing her, it was definitely the latter.

"Yukinoshita, what is the meaning of this?" I asked calmly, trying not to let my voice crack. I barely managed to stop myself from yelling into the phone as it is.

"Oh dear, I have forgotten how you are incapable of consuming a meal with your fellow men. Allow me to explain: It is customary for _homo sapiens_ to partake in a meal with his or her fellows in a show of-"

"I know what eating with people is! I want to know what is it with you and scheduling a date with both matches out of the blue!" I snapped at her, cutting her off mid lecture.

"A date?" Yukinoshita asked. Perhaps it was my imagination, but I thought I heard her suppress a giggle. "Hikigaya-kun, do you really expect to be able to even talk to your matches in such a setting?"

She got me there. I wouldn't know what to talk to Orimoto about, and that's with me knowing who she is!

"That aside, I don't particularly care what you intend to do during the meet up, or date as you call it." Yukinoshita continued, clearly unconcerned about my worries.

"What?" I asked, confused now.

"The entire point of this is to win the challenge, after all. I don't know how are you doing it, but it appears you are doing rather well in terms of matches obtained. I guess I have severely underestimated the standards of the average Japanese girl." Yukinoshita elaborated over the phone, her smug aura somehow managing to traverse the electromagnetic waves to strike me.

 _Amazing… she has managed to insult me and every girl using Tinder in Japan with just one line._

"How does this help you win?" I countered. "This is just setting me up on a blind date."

"Again, what you do doesn't matter. I consider it my win if the girl simply shows up." Yukinoshita concluded.

"You.. don't really think you can win, can you?" I asked, as it finally dawned on me.. I meant to sound confident, but my voice failed me and I could only utter them like a fool.

"Isn't that the point of this challenge, Hikigaya-kun? Do keep me updated… it's rude to keep a girl waiting, after all…"

And with that, she ended the call as I stared at the wall. Forgot subtlety and finishing this challenge, everything just became a lot more complicated. By complicated I meant it was completely SNAFU. I had gone all out because I thought I had the game in the bag… but oh how the tables have turned. I no longer had the illusion of choice. I sent her line to both Saki and Orimoto, all while desperately trying to figure out some kind of solution.

 _Alright, Saki will think I'm a complete freak now. There is no way she would agree to this. Orimoto too - she probably matched me for fun, really. That's right, she'll laugh it off._

I stared at the phone, too lost in thought to do anything productive. Not like I had intended to in the first place, but the thoughts that filled my head have once again rendered me unresponsive to external stimuli. The reason was twofold: First, the massive ramifications of the challenge. I honestly believed Tinder to be purely a virtual thing, but this was starting to spill over to reality. Hikigaya Hachiman in Tinder is nothing like Hikigaya Hachiman in Real Life. The second was the sheer juxtaposition of my current situation from a lifetime ago. Now, I am asking people out _hoping_ to be rejected. Words cannot describe the sheer insanity of my situation. I don't even know how it managed to escalate so quickly. Then, my phone vibrated in my palm.

Saki replied to my message almost instantly. 'Where?' she replied. Just who is this Saki, and what does she want from me?!

I sent Yukinoshita an update via text and focused on Yuigahama to prevent my brain from imploding. Nothing makes sense anymore. I needed the distraction, but it proved to be much worse than I thought.

'Are those feelings as real as mine for you?' was Yuigahama's reply to Haruno-san. I could only stare at the words in abject terror

 _Yuigahama is insane! Any normal human being would find this terrifyingly and almost comically creepy. What's worse, with the direction and speed Yuigahama is going at, I am on the verge of sexting Yukinoshita Haruno. What the hell, is this how she became that popular in school?!_

The more I thought about it, the more impossible this situation becomes. The biggest problem with it is that Yuigahama Yui was matched with Yukinoshita Haruno. There is really nothing I can do but to send the message to Haruno-san and convince myself that Yuigahama wasn't as clueless as Yukinoshita about Tinder meet ups… then again Yukinoshita did achieve the first meet up… does this mean she really understands the secret behind talking to girls? The thought intrigues me as much as it terrifies me.

Just as I sent Yukinoshita Haruno the line, the other Yukinoshita replied to my text with a simple text. 'Tomorrow, 2pm, Chiba station. I will be wearing the Sobu High School Uniform.'

Still on autopilot, I copied her line verbatim and sent it to Saki without really paying attention. She was obviously waiting for my response, as her reply was a swift 'Uh, alright? I don't really care what you wear.''

 _She's saying that she can identify me by my face alone. Tinder is filled with scary people…_

I relayed the information to Yukinoshita, who acknowledged it with an 'Alright then, tomorrow it is.'

I needed to distract myself, so I went to read Isshiki's answer. It was yet another rejection, ending with a 'I'm sorry but I can't, not now.' It was surprisingly comforting to know something went according to plan, no matter how trivial or insignificant it was… not that it matters any more. That said…

'Now now? I see… how about Wednesday?' I sent. Just because my plans are ruined doesn't mean I've given up on this competition. My goals have only slightly shifted, and I can't afford to lose to Yukinoshita. As far as I'm aware, I'm currently tied with her with one point each, me with Mitsuki, and Yukinoshita with Saki. I'm not entirely certain if Yuigahama's antics with Haruno-san counts, so I'll give her the point if she manages to get Haruno-san to "confess". The thought of her doing so terrifies the living daylights out of me, because I knew Yukinoshita Haruno is far too clever and perceptive to take this seriously, and is very likely on to me at this point.

Orimoto still has not replied, probably in stitches about the fact that I have once again asked her out on Tinder. That said, why on earth is she on Tinder?! Has it become so widespread, like some sort of disease? I certainly hope not…

Still shaking my head, I resolved to go to bed, once again seeking the salvation that unconsciousness brings, if only for a few short, sweet hours. I closed my eyes, awaiting the darkness, my old friend… In your embrace, everything is alright... **Hold on!**

Everything's not alright!

First: I am still not matched with Yukinoshita. This means that she has either not yet reached my profile, or worse, deliberately swiped left on me. Either way, my guaranteed match seems less likely now that it has been two days since I liked her profile. Then again, she probably has her range set to max, so there is still a chance she simply hasn't chanced upon mine.

Second: Yuigahama has not responded in any way shape or form and I have no new matches, which means she has either ignored my Superlike, or more likely, has never used the app since she created an account. That would explain why she was so hard to find - which also means I'm now down to one guaranteed match. I was right, I thought as I cursed myself. Superlikes are not for guys to use… She made her account purely to disguise the service club's competition, and nothing else. If anything, she probably disabled notifications, so it wouldn't affect her at all. This would be the most pressing issue, if not for the last thing that I had only just realised.

 **I have a date tomorrow.**

I can't even begin to describe my current emotions, but the closest words to my actual feelings would be an amalgamation of Turmoil, Anguish and Torment. And, in the furthest corner of my mind, in a place I locked away a long time ago, a small spark of hope I cannot quell as I tossed and turned in bed, simultaneously dreading yet anticipating the next day.

My final thoughts before I managed to fall asleep was of Konosuba, for some reason. I could have sworn I was thinking of Saki, but I kept on having a vivid image of Konosuba drinking some sake, but in my exhausted state I really couldn't do much but gawp at the scene as my brain kept on insisting there was a connection despite not being able to identify it.


	10. For Whose's Sake?

"So, who is she?" Yukinoshita asked as she stood beside me at the station, eyeing every girl that was walking in our general direction.

"No idea." I replied. "I told you, she doesn't have a profile picture, bio or anything. For all you know she might be a guy."

"Hmm, I think that's still my win if that were the case." Yukinoshita said as she gave the matter some thought.

I wanted to protest that decision, but I realised I would be fine if I matched with him. I made a mental note to set my Tinder profile to search for males so I could find and send a Superlike to Totsuka. That'd be ideal… you being here, not so much.

"Just why are you here, anyway?" I asked for the umpteenth time.

"No real reason." She replied, giving the same answer for the fifth time as she continued staring at every girl who walked past us.

"Yukinoshita…" I began, exasperated.

"Consider it a research project, if you will. You are the hypothesis, and today the control test." Yukinoshita said, as the area suddenly became devoid of life as the current wave of pedestrians left the area. It was just me and her now, waiting for my mysterious date to finally arrive. Having nobody to focus her intense glare on, naturally she turned it to me.

"So this hypothesis of yours… I assume it has something to do with Tinder?" I asked, bored. It was already past 2pm, and my date is nowhere to be seen. Well, she might have walked past me and noticed my bodyguard giving her the stink eye, but still, Yukinoshita really is harmless if you go by the adage "Stick and Stones", although she seems determined to prove it wrong.

"Actually, this is a personal hypothesis of mine, rather unrelated to that ridiculous Tinder." Yukinoshita replied, frowning. "Half the things that-"

She caught herself mid-sentence and cleared her throat, hoping to distract me. Of course it didn't. I stared at her, willing her to continue. She almost said something interesting, but alas she refused to continue, instead resuming her vigil and staring at every girl walking in the direction of the station.

"So, anyway, where's your date?" She asked, even more coldly than usual. What the hell, this date was your idea!

"No idea. Hey, do you think it's possible to be catfished by someone who doesn't even have any kind of persona as far as you can tell?" I asked, the tension that has been building up in my chest begging for release as every second passed without any real outcome, just like waiting for a reply from a female classmate.

"Catfished?" Yukinoshita asked, her eyes lighting up in interest. I'd forgotten that this woman has eschewed any and all forms of socialisation in exchange for the secrets of life itself. Or maybe a new Dōjutsu, I don't know. Anyway she's obviously just heard the word "Cat" in that sentence and dropped all pretense.

"It just means faking an online profile in order to lure them into a relationship." I said before she could get any ideas.

"I see… sort of like what you're doing now." She replied. I found myself staring at her. I never really thought about it that way before, but now that she mentioned it…

"I read that you can keep cod fresh by placing some catfish in storage with them to keep them active during the journey, but I don't get how that translate to humans." Yukinoshita continued, clearly having spent far too much time reading on Catfishes, of all things.

"Apparently the idea is that the person being catfished ends up working to improve himself. Otherwise, he'd become boring, like the cod in the tank, stale and unmoving. The Catfish is a catalyst for improvement, in that regard." I answered. I'm quoting verbatim from some random website warning against potential Catfishing on Tinder as a precaution, and not because I spent all night looking up dating tips for today.

"A catalyst for improvement! Cats are amazing, after all." Yukinoshita replied, her eyes sparkling as she finally understood the meaning behind the term, and also because the values of the Catfish lined up with her own twisted philosophy of helping others…

"I won't blame the girl for not showing up, since it is you, but then I'd lose the lead on you, which would be less than ideal." Yukinoshita continued, her expression thoughtful.

"No concern that I'll score some points myself?" I asked casually.

"None whatsoever." Yukinoshita replied without batting an eye. "Hikigaya-kun, not even I could help you salvage this meeting."

And just like that she already predicted that today was going to end in a complete disaster.

"Wait just a moment, what do you mean with your help? I can get along perfectly fine-"

"I was the one who managed to convince your match to come to this meeting. I am currently leading the competition in terms of points for now. I am also the only person you've met with at the station today." Yukinoshita stated as I felt each point lodging itself into my body like a stake. Yes, it is true. I may have been catfished by Saki today. She's probably some sadistic girl who takes pleasure in giving guys false hope, or worse, a guy masquerading as a girl Either way, it looks like the mysterious Saki is not coming today.

"I think Saki might not be coming, after all." I said, sighing as I checked the time.

"When did the both of you get so familiar with each other?" Yukinoshita asked, looking surprised. "And why on earth would she be coming?"

"What are you talking about? You're the one who planned this!" I retorted. What the hell is she talking about?!

"I… I must have been mistaken, for a moment I thought you were referring to Kawasaki-san." Yukinoshita replied, and at that moment my world froze in place.

Kawasaki. Kawasaki Saki. That's why she didn't unmatch me after all that crap I sent her.

"Yukinoshita, I may have made a terrible mistake." I said calmly as I tried to assess the situation.

"I'm afraid that even I have my limits, Hikigaya-kun. At best I can send you for plastic surgery, but I-"

"I'm not kidding here! I think my match might be Kawasaki." I said as I felt a familiar sinking feeling take over me, one I always seem to run into, despite trying my best to avoid it at all costs.

"Oh. Well that complicates things. Does this mean the data is inaccurate?" Yukinoshita asked, completely oblivious to my predicament.

"What do you mean, 'inaccurate'?!" I said, my voice barely holding itself together as I stared at the Ice Queen, who had a rather serious look on her face as she contemplated what this meant for the experiment.

"The entire point of this experiment was to see who had the best methodology when it comes to speaking with girls, right? If Kawasaki-san is indeed your match, it would be unfair to judge it from an impartial standpoint. It's an unfair advantage to you and Yuigahama, who have to work on unfamiliar grounds." Yukinoshita replied, clearly putting more thought on this rather than the actual problem.

"You're still thinking of the competition?" I asked, completely floored by both her answer and her reaction to finding out about Kawasaki.

"Of course, that's the only reason I'm here today. For the data, and only the data. Still, we might be able to make the most of this." Yukinoshita said, clearly unconcerned with the recent developments.

"You… why are you so hung up on this competition?" I asked weakly.

Yukinoshita gave the matter some thought before finally deciding on an answer, "Because I cannot stomach the thought of losing to someone like you on a matter like this."

I opened my mouth to reply, but before I could, I was distracted by the appearance of none other than Kawasaki Saki, who was fast approaching the station. Even from that distance I could see her brow furrowed as she noticed that I was not alone, since Yukinoshita was still beside me. In fact, Yukinoshita was openly staring at her.

"Oi… what are you doing?!" I hissed to her as she continued staring at the Kawasaki.

"Don't mind me, I'm an observer for today." Yukinoshita replied, still not taking her eyes off Kawasaki. It wasn't a hostile stare, more of an appraising look, sort of like the one my parents gave me all the time when I got my report card back.

"Today? How long are you going to stay?!" I whispered urgently in response.

"Hmm? Don't worry, I'll come up with something." Yukinoshita replied evenly as Kawasaki arrived before us.

"Y-yo." I said weakly in greeting. Yukinoshita sighed and shook her head, prompting Kawasaki to speak.

"Hikigaya-kun, Yukinoshita. What's going on here?"

"Good afternoon, Kawasaki-san." Yukinoshita answered before turning to me. "The rest is up to you, Hikigaya-kun."

And with that, she turned and walked away, leaving me alone with Kawasaki.

"Wait, what?!" I called out, but Yukinoshita had somehow vanished into the crowd before I managed to finish my question.

"What is going on here?" Kawasaki asked again, looking visibly annoyed now.

"I don't know." I admitted, scratching the back of my head.

"The Service Club is up to something, right?" Kawasaki asked, hitting the nail right in the head. The look on my face affirmed her guess as she continued, "Ebina told me that you guys all created a Tinder account for whatever reason. Then she pressured me into making an account too."

"I see. Well that explains why you made an account too." I said, finally understanding the situation. "Since we're here, wanna grab lunch?"

"Eh, sure, I guess. That's the point of today, isn't it?" Kawasaki replied, suddenly looking away for whatever reason.

"Right. Saize is nearby." I said, leading the way to the restaurant with Kawasaki in tow.

We gave our orders before we discussed about little about our siblings, who I learnt was the main reason Kawasaki swiped right on me in the first place. Apparently she was just checking out Tinder at home when her siblings walked past and saw my profile.

"They talk about you so much even my youngest sister already knows your name!" Kawasaki said as we ate. I distinctly remember her telling me she has 4 younger siblings, 2 of which I've already met - Taishi, Keika. the only reason I can remember their names is because I've sworn to myself to never forget another name following today's fiasco. Thankfully, Kawasaki has not realised my blunder, and I intend to keep it that way.

We then continued speaking about the current situation in school, where everyone was really getting into the Tinder game. The reason Kawasaki didn't set a profile picture was simply because she wanted no part in it, and created the account so Ebina wouldn't be alone in making one. She never really intended to use it, but gave in out of curiosity.

"Does your siblings know you've matched with me?" I asked, mainly because Komachi was starting to become really interested in my phone recently.

"No - I keep telling them I've uninstalled the app." Kawasaki answered evasively.

"But you haven't." I observed, looking at my phone.

"Neither have you, apparently. I knew the Club was up to something, especially when you suddenly gave me those ridiculous lines. They were so silly, I decided to play along." Kawasaki replied evenly. So she knew, after all.

"Silly? I'm hurt." I replied, smiling.

"I actually wanted to confront you about it..." Kawasaki said before her voice faltered. "...but when you came up to me that day I kind of forgot myself. It's good to know you weren't being genuine there."

It was then I finally noticed Yukinoshita sitting quietly on the table behind Kawasaki, having been observing us the entire time. How I did not notice her I will never know, perhaps it was fatigue. Noticing me, Yukinoshita put her finger on the lips before returning to her observation. She looked annoyed, probably because Kawasaki basically just called out her ridiculous lines in her face. I smiled - I've won today's challenge. Take that, Ice Queen, I thought as I celebrated my hollow victory.

"Genuine, huh... I still wonder what that means." I said as I finished the last of my meal. The memory of that day was still fresh in my mind, and Kawasaki's inadvertent use of the word really struck a chord in me.

"Hmm? I don't know either, but whatever you are doing on Tinder, it isn't that." Kawasaki replied, shrugging.

"But isn't everything online just a facade?" I asked in return. "And on Tinder, of all places?"

"Who's to say you can't make something real out of it? I certainly didn't, but here I am talking you to because of Tinder." Kawasaki said as she started smiling, in a self defeating way. "Who knows... maybe I had some hope, but..."

And with that, we called it a day. I offered to foot the bill, but Kawasaki called me an idiot and paid for her share before returning home.

No words were exchanged between me and Yukinoshita as we both stood outside the station like we did earlier today, except there was nobody coming this time.

"Hikigaya-kun... do you think my lines would have worked on a complete stranger?" A moment of weakness from the Ice Queen.

"No." I replied, shaking my head for emphasis. "They never stood a chance."

"I see. I shall re-evaluate my plan then. I will have a response prepared by tonight." Yukinoshita said as started walking towards her home. After a few steps, she paused, before turning to face me. "I still intend to win this, Hikigaya-kun. I just need to re-evaluate my methodology."

As I watched her leave, I reflected on Kawasaki's words. She was right - Just about everything I've done on Tinder was a facade, because it is and will always be just a platform where people interact behind a virtual profile, their real selves hidden behind a screen. And thus, there is no point in being genuine on Tinder, and no reason for me to be concerned about it.

* * *

It was still early when I returned home, early enough that even Komachi wasn't back yet. I let my body collapse onto the sofa and pulled out my phone. It has become a habit to check on tinder whenever I got home.

Isshiki replied to my invitation with her usual antics - 'A date with sempai? Are you hitting on me AGAIN?!' I simply replied with a 'For once, yes.'

Next up was Haruno-san, whose reply was building up to resemble a soap opera - 'Maybe even stronger'. Forwarded to Yuigahama without a second thought, because I reallly didn't want to think about it.

Orimoto replied 'You're so funny! And sure! Time and place?' Forwarded to Yukinoshita.

The chat with Kawasaki was largely unchanged. No matter, I doubt anything would come of this anyway, as I put my phone aside and started on my homework. Just for today, I think I'll abstain from Tinder.


	11. The Scientific Method Gone Wrong

School was pretty normal the next day, no sign of trouble or rumours floating about. Then again, the Service club has always been impervious to the machinations of social engineering. That, and Kawasaki in particular did not act any differently, which was a relief. Oddly enough, the one who was acting strangely was Yuigahama. She kept glancing at me throughout the day. I don't particularly pay much attention to her, but the frequency in which she turned and stared at me was starting to disturb me. In fact, I could almost feel her eyes burning a hole in the back of my head when she walked past my seat during lunch. Fast forward a couple of hours to the end of classes, she finally approached me, a teen magazine in one hand, a comb in the other while wearing a very confused expression. Only when we started towards the clubroom did she finally explain herself.

"I got a request from Yukinon yesterday, that she wanted me to try and create a hairstyle for you that can somehow conceal one ear. I've been trying to figure out how, but…" Yuigahama said, still looking through her magazine and at my hair.

"Can't you use a picture or something?" I asked, perplexed by Yukinoshita's random request.

"Hair doesn't work that way!" Yuigahama exclaimed, pouting as she blushed. That's true. Also, if she started staring at a picture of me all day, things might get a little complicated.

When we arrived at the clubroom, it was completely deserted. The Ice Queen was nowhere to be found, a surprise seeing that she was usually the first to arrive. Scratch that, she is always the first to arrive. Yuigahama didn't seem bothered, instead she simply pulled out my chair and beckoned me to sit. Then, she quickly pulled out an endless stream of hairstyling equipment including 4 mirrors which she placed at varying angles on the table, 3 different combs, several hairclips and multiple varieties of hair gel among others. Maybe this was why her bag was so painful.

As she started brushing through my hair, I started to have some doubts about her skill. I don't mean to brag, but I like my hair the way it is. The length is just shy of school regulations, it's not particularly messy or just, just the perfect mix of both to show the world I don't intend to put in enough effort to show I care, yet isn't so messy I end up drawing unwanted attention. It was the perfect camouflage, and the Service Club is going to ruin all that for me.

I kept thinking these pointless thoughts, trying to block out the fact that Yuigahama kept reaching from behind me for the various tools she laid out on the table, completely unaware of the fact that her greatest weapons was constantly wearing down my defences from behind me. I felt like a dam valiantly trying to hold back a tidal wave that kept crashing onto its walls, each wave battering me even further. I have no idea how long am I going to be able to hold out if she continues her assault. Woman! Personal space! _Yours!_

"I was surprised when Yukinon asked me to style your hair for you. I'm guessing it's because of yesterday?" Yuigahama suddenly spoke as she tried to mimic her hair using mine. I looked like Mickey Mouse had lost an ear and a half.

"Yesterday? That had nothing to do with my hair." I replied, feeling slightly miffed at Yukinoshita's insinuation of my hair being the root of the problem. "Did she tell you why she wanted my hair like this? Because one of my ears is repulsive?"

"Not really, she just said it was urgent." Yuigahama replied as she finally decided on a hairstyle and started applying gel to my hair.

Yuigahama's tone was candid, but I managed to sneak a glimpse of her face in the reflection of one of the mirrors she laid out. She looked deeply troubled, her face asking a million questions. She had come into an empty clubroom yesterday, only to receive instructions from Yukinoshita to change my hair. Knowing the Ice Queen, she probably neglected to mention anything about yesterday to Yuigahama, meaning she was probably completely in the dark about yesterday. That, and I owe her for covering our Tinder trail.

"So I had a date with Kawasaki yesterday.' I said as casually as possible. I had timed it such that I would finish that line as her hands left my head, so I wouldn't have to deal with her yanking out half my hair.

"Eh?!" Yuigahama exclaimed, as she inadvertently tightened her grip on the tube of hair gel, causing a tidal wave of gel to land on me. Most of it landed on my hair, which was its intended destination, albeit in a far greater amount than intended. The remaining somehow managed to land on my shoulders and neck. A few minutes and some paper towels later, we resumed our conversation with Yuigahama using gel from a container instead of a tube this time.

"So yeah, I matched with Kawasaki on Tinder. By "I", I mean Yukinoshita." I said, now with several paper towels pauldrons prepared on my shoulders for any future spillage.

"And you didn't tell her?!" Yuigahama exclaimed, completely shocked by the revelation.

"Well, she didn't ask. That, and I didn't know it was Kawasaki. She didn't have a profile picture, or a bio." I replied defensively.

"What about her name?!" Yuigahama asked, still not quite over the fact I had matched with Kawasaki.

"I - Saki's a fairly common name, isn't it? How would I know it would be her?" I answered, trying to steer the conversation away from identities.

"So all three of you went on a date? Like, together?" Yuigahama pressed on, both metaphorically and physically.

"Well, Yukinoshita was there for a bit at the start, then she just vanished." I said.

Clearly not satisfied, Yuigahama continued. "What happened?! Were you shocked?"

"Nothing much, really. It was just like a normal lunch. We just talked about our siblings and, well, Tinder." I neglected to mention the part where Kawasaki figured out our little game.

"Oh… Well that's a surprise, I didn't think Yukinon's approach would work, but-" Yuigahama trailed off.

"Just a moment - her method failed completely. The only reason it even worked was because Kawasaki decided to play along." I said, before Yuigahama got any ideas and decided to pull some kind of stunt with Haruno-san.

"Hikki, I'm been thinking, that match of mine, just who-"

At that moment, Yukinoshita entered the room, carrying a small paper bag.

"Ah, Yukinon! Yahallo!"

"Good afternoon, Yuigahama-san. I hope the task regarding this thing isn't too difficult?" Yukinoshita said in greeting as she placed her bag on the table and went to prepare some tea.

"Hello to you too." I said, keeping an eye on the bag as I wiped the sweat off my forehead. That was close... Wait, could Yukinoshita have brought a hair clipper?! Was she serious about that plastic surgery bit?

"It's tricky, but I think I've got it." Yuigahama said as she continued working on my hair. My left ear was almost completely hidden now. Whats even more impressive is that I don't look completely ridiculous. In fact, I look exactly like I did, as I thanked my lucky stars Yuigahama was in charge of hair. Yukinoshita would probably have shaved off several locks, glued them to my ears and call it a day.

"I see… yes, this might work. Perhaps just a little more to completely cover it." Yukinoshita, having set the teapot down, walked up to me to give me a quick inspection.

"What's all this for, anyway?" I asked, getting a little annoyed at being treated like a doll.

"I've been thinking about yesterday, unlike you." Yukinoshita said as she went to retrieve the paper bag.

"You mean the date?" Yuigahama asked cautiously from behind me, still putting strands of my hair in place.

"Yes. I've come to the conclusion that the problem lies in the fact that what I can do is limited to Tinder. To properly assess the effectiveness of our methodologies, additional steps have to be taken." Yukinoshita replied.

"What do you mean, 'properly assess'?" I said, confused. A quick glance at the mirror revealed Yuigahama's equally baffled reaction.

"Simple: The person Kawasaki-san matched on Tinder and the person she actually met up with had two completely different agendas. The dissonance threw her off completely, and ruined the guise. She knew it wasn't you that was behind the messages, and as such provided flawed data that is of no use to us." Yukinoshita replied, her answer obviously rehearsed.

Did the Ice Queen honestly expect me to channel her spirit? Just having to pass on her lines on Tinder was bad enough, but now I had to act the part?

"That's why I asked Yuigahama to help out here." Yukinoshita continued as she pulled out a small box from the paper bag. The packaging read 'Bluetooth Earpiece - one sided'.

Yuigahama responded first.

"Wa-wait, you're actually planning more dates?!" Yuigahama gasped as Yukinoshita took out the headset. It was about the size of a button, and would be invisible if I wore it on my left side with this hairstyle.

"Yes. This time, I intend to properly take charge of the situation. You too, Yuigahama-san. Whenever you manage to secure a date, make sure you're there to control the situation." Yukinoshita said in a businesslike tone.

"I think you're drawing the wrong conclusion from yesterday, Yukinoshita…" I started, finding the hole in the theory.

"Rest assured I too have taken that into account. However, I've done the calculations and I believe that for all that I can account for, ultimately the burden lies in the actual meeting, for which I am incapable of changing until now." Yukinoshita replied as she turned on the headset and handed it to me.

"Testing!" came a sharp and unnecessarily loud voice just as I plugged the device into my left ear. "Can you hear me? Did he forget to turn it on? I thought I had accounted for him, but it seems I was mistaken."

"I can hear you!" I snapped at her as I pulled out the earpiece and tried to placate my battered eardrums. "You didn't have to shout into it!"

"I see, I had to ensure your brain could process my words, and since your other ear is open I wanted to make sure that not everything would exit from there." Yukinoshita said, a smile forming on her lips.

"Anyway, this devices works up to 20 meters away, so we just have to stay within listening range." Yukinoshita finished her briefing as looked at us expectantly. "Any questions?"

"Just one." I said, raising my hand mockingly.

"And that is?" Yukinoshita played along, crossing her arms like a certain dissatisfied Sensei.

"Are you serious?" I said, trying to spot a weakness in her defences. Surely, surely she has got to be kidding.

"Of course. I've already emailed my response to both matches to you, Hikigaya-kun. If everything goes according to plan, our first field test will be in 2 days' time." Yukinoshita said, her expression completely businesslike. She was dead serious about this.

"Yukinon… isn't this going a little too far?" Yuigahama asked.

Yukinoshita gave me a long, hard look before turning back to face Yuigahama. "Not at all."

...Hey, I'm right here.

"That about concludes today. Hikigaya-kun, please relay the instructions to the others. I heard Yuighahama was having quite some luck with Saika-kun's match, so he'll need to be briefed about this too." Yukinoshita said as she handed the box to me. At that moment, I was overcome with the possibility of having Totsuka whispering into my ears, to the point where Yuigahama once again beaned me in the head to rouse me from my daydream and leave the room so Yukinoshita could return the key to Sensei.


	12. And Then, Things Escalated Rather Quick

Yukinoshita was taking a surprisingly long time to return the key to Sensei, giving me and Yuigahama some time to plan our escape from the country, preferably the planet if at all possible.

Nevertheless, nothing of the sort happened. Instead, we simply spent some time fixing up my hair near the currently deserted soccer field while trying out the earpiece.

'Hikki? Can you hear me?' Yuigahama murmured into her phone as she slowly backed away from the me.

"Loud and clear. Try going around the block, see if we still have a signal." I whispered to nobody in particular as I tucked my hands into my pockets and walked aimlessly towards the field the soccer team has just recently vacated.

'OK!' Yuigahama replied energetically as she bounced out of sight. I continued my pacing around the edge of the field, focusing on the earpiece.

'Testing? Yahallo?' came her voice again. Weaker this time, but still audible. No distortions as of yet, and she was already completely out of sight.

"Try going over to where the bikes are. I think we should still be able to communicate from there." I mumbled this time, again to nothing in particular.

'Eh? Bikes? Yea, sure!' came the energetic voice. 'Quite a bit far away though… you think it'll work?'

"Worth a shot." I breathed, hoping she would able able to hear it.

'Hot? What? Hikki, can you hear me?' came the confused reply.

"No-! W-wait, I was adjusting it. Better now?" I quickly mumbled.

'Oh, that's better. Yeah, it's starting to become a little hard to hear you though, can you try speaking up?' Yuigahama said, as my mouth stretched into a smirk.

"That's great, now-"

"What on earth are you doing here all by yourself? And where is Yuigahama-san?" Yukinoshita asked. I spun around to see the Ice Queen approaching me, having finally managed to return the key.

'Is that Yukinon? I think I heard her voice…' came Yuigahama's voice in my ear.

"Hikigaya-kun? Ahh, are you perhaps contemplating suicide here? It would be the best you can do for this planet, but the mess would be rather unsightly" said the Ice Queen as she drew closer.

'That's definitely Yukinon! Oh, Hikki! Listen, why don't you… **!** '

"Are you kidding me... " I mumbled, just loud enough for Yuigahama to hear as she snorted in response.

"Hikigaya-kun?" Yukinoshita said in a cautious tone, alerted by my lack of response.

I should mention that it is extraordinarily difficult to maintain two conversations at once, especially for a loner such as myself. Quite impossible, in fact. Thankfully the long hours I've spent in the service club trading barbs with Yukinoshita has allowed me to cultivate an ability to process whatever she is saying and discard it from my mind in an instant. I usually do this for most of my day to day conversations to begin with, but I actually have to make a conscious effort pay attention to Yukinoshita's words in order to have a chance of understanding her. That made it really easy to focus on Yuigahama's instructions while ignoring the Ice Queen's nonsense.

"Hey, you might actually make me do it, you know." I replied, as Yukinoshita relaxed, her smug smile returning.

The other trick that comes in handy for Yukinoshita and Yukinoshita alone was the fact that I have an entire database of generic replies I could use in any situation with her as a response. Not something I'm particularly proud of, but I have a feeling it's going to come in handy in the coming days.

"Oh really? I might have succeeding in making the world a better place then." Yukinoshita said as she walked past me, before beckoning me to follow.

'Come on, go for it!' Yuigahama whispered as I let out a sigh in response to both of them.

"You know, I've been thinking alot about the alphabet recently." I said in a melancholic voice, channeling Yuigahama's spirit. Yukinoshita paused and turned around, confused.

"What about it? Is it perhaps too complicated for you?" Yukinoshita asked. She really had no idea...

"I was thinking of rearranging it…" I continued, trying my hardest to ignore the sound of Yuigahama's muffled laughter ringing in my ears.

"How so? I had thought even you would have had a firm understanding of the basics of language." Yukinoshita replied, completely oblivious to the trap Yuigahama, and I have to emphasize this, Yuigahama had set.

"So that I would always be beside U."

* * *

I exited the bath and entered the living room to find Komachi watching a trashy romance show on the TV. Something about siblings being in love, although 'love' was really stretching it. She was just laughing herself silly at the very concept of the show which was obviously written by someone who didn't ever have siblings growing up.

Noticing me, Komachi gave me a sly grin before returning her focus on the frankly terrible show. Ever since she discovered my darkest secret, I've pretty much given up trying to be discreet about Tinder at home. I still had my password though - I'm not about to abandon my dignity, I've simply reined in my ego. That said, I'm not about to discuss my matches, plans or even my profile picture with her.

Speaking of Tinder, Yuigahama and I have an unspoken agreement to not discuss the Tinder arrangement at school. This means there is no way on seven earths she would find out about her match. That was the plan, and all I had to do was ensure they never have the chance to meet.

Unfortunately, I did not account for Yukinoshita Haruno.

'I'm so BOORREEDDD! Wanna meet up tomorrow?! My treat!" - Yukinoshita Haruno.

I just sent the text verbatim to Yuigahama. The fact that she was completely unfazed by Haruno's reply just goes to show how far off the deep end we have gone. Thankfully, I can count on Yuigahama to skillfully avoid this.

'Tell her OK! But on Friday instead.' - Yuigahama.

'WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL HERE?!' I angrily texted to Yuigahama, who nonchalantly wished me luck and promised to be tactful during the date.

I forwarded the message to Haruno before running over to my computer. I had two days to come up with a way to prevent Yuigahama from finding out Haruno was her match, and Wednesday's almost over.

* * *

Yukinoshita fell to pieces right before my eyes as her knees threatened to buckle before her. Her face turned redder than the setting sun as her words got stuck in her throat. I couldn't help but marvel at the sheer difference between the Yukinoshitas in terms of response to a pick up line. The lines I - no, Yuigahama had sent Haruno were far worse by comparison, yet she had taken it in stride.

A high pitched laugh came from behind her. I looked over Yukinoshita to see Yuigahama stumbling towards us, her arms clutching her sides. She was quite beside herself with laughter, even tearing up a little as she arrived beside Yukinoshita and let out another hearty laugh.

I smiled as I revealed the earpiece from behind my hair. However, Yukinoshita was still reeling from the sudden, unexpected attack and was starting to lean on Yuigahama for support.

Finally, she regained enough of her composure to managed a weak "So it works…"

I have no idea if she was talking about the earpiece, or the pick up line.

"Sorry Yukinon, that was my idea…" Yuigahama said apologetically.

"I see… So this is your approach, Yuigahama-san…" Yukinoshita muttered.

"What? No! ...I just thought it would be fun to have Hikki try it out..." Yuigahama said, only was cut off by Yukinoshita.

"I had thought the last time was bad enough… but to think you would have another of those vile, unladylike, insulti-"

Yukinoshita paused and took a deep breath to calm herself, before turning to face me.

"Hikigaya-kun, regarding the second match. Set a meeting for tomorrow, immediately after school. Chiba station should do. Remember to charge the earpiece tonight. I will have further instructions for you later."

And with that, she marched off, although her stride was still rather shaky despite her best attempts to hide it.

"You think we made her mad?" Yuigahama asked, a little worried about her friend.

"Hmm? Nah. I bet she loved every second of it." I replied, far more concerned about the date with Orimoto tomorrow.

* * *

I retired to bed that night with diagrams, maps and analyses of Bluetooth penetration, signal strength propagation and maximum theoretical distances playing in my head. If everything goes right, I should be able to use tomorrow's date with Orimoto to ascertain my theories, and with just a bit of luck and some planning, pull off a miracle on Friday.


	13. Interlude: Best Girl Finally Appears

"Not only have you stolen my earnings, you've also stolen my sole too…"

Yuigahama Yui pressed her palms into her face, cringing in dismay at the line as laughter erupted from her side.

"Oh that was good, write it down, quick!", said Mrs Yuigahama in between fits of laughter.

"No!" Yuigahama exclaimed, mortified at the thought of sending something as horrific as that abomination to anyone, much less _him_. "That was horrible even IN context!"

"I thought it was pretty nice, the whole idea of soulmates…" said Mrs Yuigahama dreamily, her thoughts wandering to parts unknown.

"OH! You could ask for their shoe size!" said Mrs Yuigahama as a flash of inspiration hit her.

"...Why?" Yuigahama asked, bracing herself for the worst.

"We could be SOLE-mates!"

Yuigahama did not even give her mother the dignity of a response. Instead, she got to her feet and marched to the bathroom.

Pouting, Mrs Yuigahama turned her attention back to the television set. She had hoped to get a laugh out of her daughter for that one.

"That was a pretty good line…" she lamented to nobody in particular as she ejected the DVD - A romantic comedy about a female thief who falls in love with a cobbler after robbing him.

About 3 days ago, her daughter had come home visibly distraught. Mrs Yuigahama had assumed the worst, but was rather surprised and very confused when she was asked to come up with a list of bad pick up lines. It was then the Yuigahamas discovered that they had a mutual fascination with pick up lines. More specifically, bad pick up lines.

As it turns out, Yuigahama was a natural - her lines were extraordinarily **bad**.

That said, Mrs Yuigahama was no slouch herself. Whether out of pity, love or genuine interest, she embarked on a epic quest with her daughter to seek out bad pick up lines, namely by going to the local rental and getting as many cheap romantic comedies as humanly possible. They had initially went as a pair, but Yuigahama bolted the moment her mother asked for trashy romance flicks by the dozens to the bemused shop assistant.

The end result was that both mother and daughter found themselves watching an endless stream of badly written romantic comedies, self help guides to dating for both sexes, and over the course of particularly memorable movie night, a guide to forming a harem for clueless guys.

"Think we have enough, Yui?" asked Mrs Yuigahama as her daughter returned.

"No…" Yuigahama replied as she collapsed into the sofa. "Ahhhhh - I don't wanna do this anymore…."

"But we're having so much fun!" Said her mother as she cheerfully loaded another DVD into the player. "Maybe we should branch out, watch a foreign film or something. I'll see if we can get any at the store tomorrow."

"Haaa…." Yuigahama replied as the movie started playing. An upbeat soundtrack washed over her as her mind processed the series of events leading to her current situation. One question kept flashing - just who was her mysterious match? She had deliberately went out of her way to be as creepy as possible, even recruiting her own mother to help find bad pick up lines. She was absolutely certain that all her lines were designed to scare the hell out of any potential matches, which was why Yuigahama was completely caught off guard when her match did not immediately block Hachiman, instead countering with a pick up line of her own. And so began the game of cat and mouse between Yuigahama and her match.

At first, Yuigahama had assumed they were both just messing with each other. As the conversation grew weirder with each passing day, she genuinely thought she got matched with a prankster, which is the only logical reason why anyone would act like they did.

Then, her match proposed a meet up. At this point, Yuigahama was absolutely certain her 'match' was definitely just a prankster. There is absolutely no way a normal girl would act the way her match did. In fact, Yuigahama was so certain that she was up against a prankster that she doubled down, counter proposing to meet on Friday instead to call out her bluff. Surely, the prankster will fold, cementing her victory.

But Hachiman's last email planted the seeds of doubts into Yuigahama's mind. He's supposed to be a mere proxy, but his use of all caps gave the impression that he was surprised and more importantly, scared. But of what? What about that match could possibly scare him? Why on earth does he fear such an obvious prankster?

Yuigahama could only speculate as the movie continued to run, leaving her mother to take notes. In the end, she had completely failed to process the movie, with nothing to show for it except for a few out of context pick up lines written by her mother.

Only two days to Friday, Yuigahama thought to herself as she prepared to call it a day. Her mind was still spinning when she finally drifted off to sleep with more questions than answers.


End file.
